This week I have been missing Daddy Kewl a lot. No particular reason, just because he is not here.
Yesterday the girls' god parents came over and we went and had a picnic lunch under M's tree. Usually, visiting this magical place helps me feel closer to M because deep down, I know he is still here with us. Yesterday though, instead of loosening the bands of grief around my chest our picnic lunch had the opposite effect. The tree served only as a reminder that M is gone and all I felt was the ache for his physical presence.
For the first time in a long time, I was relieved when it was time to pack up and head back to the house.
Later in the afternoon, I set the girls up with some crafty stuff while I sat on the couch and tried to work out how I was going to climb back out of my misery hole - or at least stop digging it.
OK. Think positive. What am I grateful for? What brings me joy?
To be honest, I wasn't getting very far. I could name plenty of positives, plenty of things to be grateful for and plenty of things that bring me joy, but the feeling just wasn't there.
My head and my heart were not cooperating.
Right on cue, Miss J left the craft table and came to see me. She was holding something behind her back and she told me it was a surprise, so I had to close my eyes. I obeyed and Miss J reached out and gently stuck something to my chest.
When I opened my eyes, Miss J said,
"See? It's to make your heart happy."
Then she went back to her craft with a big smile on her face.
It was almost as big as mine.
More smiles and magic moments over at Mountaingirls Musings.
Yesterday the girls' god parents came over and we went and had a picnic lunch under M's tree. Usually, visiting this magical place helps me feel closer to M because deep down, I know he is still here with us. Yesterday though, instead of loosening the bands of grief around my chest our picnic lunch had the opposite effect. The tree served only as a reminder that M is gone and all I felt was the ache for his physical presence.
For the first time in a long time, I was relieved when it was time to pack up and head back to the house.
Later in the afternoon, I set the girls up with some crafty stuff while I sat on the couch and tried to work out how I was going to climb back out of my misery hole - or at least stop digging it.
OK. Think positive. What am I grateful for? What brings me joy?
To be honest, I wasn't getting very far. I could name plenty of positives, plenty of things to be grateful for and plenty of things that bring me joy, but the feeling just wasn't there.
My head and my heart were not cooperating.
Right on cue, Miss J left the craft table and came to see me. She was holding something behind her back and she told me it was a surprise, so I had to close my eyes. I obeyed and Miss J reached out and gently stuck something to my chest.
When I opened my eyes, Miss J said,
"See? It's to make your heart happy."
Then she went back to her craft with a big smile on her face.
It was almost as big as mine.
More smiles and magic moments over at Mountaingirls Musings.
14 comments:
(((hugs)))) I wish I knew something comforting to say to ease your pain.I hope the kewl girls can continue to fill your heart completely.
I am captivated by their beautiful gestures and words.
I like to think that M is still filled with wonder of all his kewl girls and watching over you all.
I can see how proud you are seeing the world through their eyes.
your girls are just so in tune with the people around them.. especially their Mamma... :)
I agree with katef above me. your girls are in tune with you.
Children can sometimes lift our spirits in ways we don't expect them too. Sometimes they know just the right thing to say don't they?
You four amaze me. I am in awe of the way you keep Matt in your family. Those girls are so blessed to have a mum strong enough to do that for them.
Hugs for you, my darling. Are you alright?
Sammi xoxo
Thats beautiful. My son and I have a place we go to 'talk to Dad' which helps us be near him and also helps us comunicate with each other. Often a sentence will start with "I was talking to Dad'
I remember when he was 16 and wanted to go to an all night party, I said no and we had heated words & he walked out. He returned 2 hrs later and said 'Ive been talking to Dad & he said I could go' ... I didnt know whether to laugh or shake him...
but major decisions he makes, schooling, leaving home, uni, he will still go to the headland to our spot and 'talk to Dad' its also there we fly kites on Antonios birthday or the day we lost him...
people may think we are odd for our methods but it keeps his father a part of us & as I say to Josef, you always have 2 parents, that never changes and us loving you is a constant.
God Ive rattled on Alison...sorry love but your post sent me on a Antonio memory and thats always a good thing....:)
Not one helpful thing to be said. Nothing. Hugs to all of you. Walking through grief is not an good trip. You learn a lot, but definately not a fun time.
Okay. You and (Miss J) brought tears to my eyes. Hugs. Can't imagine struggling with that trial. But I do know, God is totally aware of you and your needs, feelings, joys, sorrows, etc. He will lift you up as you turn to Him. But, I'm sure you know that!
A...nothing to say, just thinking of you, M and the girls.
My heart aches for you all.
Mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Okay, get me sniffling - what a beautiful girl.
Your girls are so thoughtful, and that was such a beautiful gesture from Miss J.((Hugs))
Oh, sniffle!
Oh Al!
Hugs.
Firstly, hugs for you. I know sometimes grief cna be a really hard thing to move away from. Sometimes grief just wants a shoulder ride for too long and you just lose your strength and fall to the ground, waiting to be able to get up again.
Secondly, your girls are so amazing and in tune with you. I am in awe.
Thinking of you and glad that your gorgeous girl could bring a smile to your face.
Alison, there is some bling for you on my blog to help you smile :-)
Trish - Thanks :) I think he is still with us, watching over us and no doubt having a good laugh, too!
Kate - They are.. Most of the time!
Melody - Children come out with some fabulous words, don't they?
Sammi - Thanks :) I am glad the kewl girls have you in their lives, to fill in the gaps and show them a different kind of strength.
Abbey - Thank you for rattling on! I loved reading your story. Your son so made me laugh!! I hope M will stay part of our lives, as Antonio has stayed part of yours. As you say, the constant love from two parents never changes.
Deb - Thanks for the hugs! Grief is not fun, but there are still plenty of fun times and now we can appreciate them that much more.
PW - You make me smile, too!
Megan - Your words are helpful, beyond measure. If I say thank you again, would that be over doing it? 'Cause I like overdoing things (thanks!).
Jeanie - Tissue? :-P
M+B - It was a pretty kewl gesture :) Thanks for the hugs and the bling.
Rhubarb - Jeanie's got the tissues, love.
Tiff - Thanks for your hugs and your words of wisdom. So it was grief that tripped me over - not the silly crutches!!
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