Warrior Wednesday - Wall of Alive Time

When Zy died, I did not know if I was going to survive. The pain was so deep, so raw and so overwhelming that often I didn't think I would.

Not long after leaving the hospital, a dear freak gave me a way to at least take some of the overwhelming-ness (what on earth is the word I am looking for there?!) out of the equation... Fifteen minute 'get throughs'.
By breaking time down into 15 minute chunks, surviving suddenly became a whole lot more possible.

It didn't take long for all of the freaks to jump on board the "15 minute" bandwagon.
At first, they would knock on my door every 15 minutes, poke their heads around the corner and whisper, "Fifteen! Way to go!".
Then they would set an egg timer for 15 minutes and when it got to the end they would do the 10 second count down and then go crazy - shouting and whooping and cheering like mad.

Finally, they began decorating those brightly coloured origami squares and putting them up on the wall, with each one representing 15 minutes.
This was my favourite of all the 15 minute celebrations. I loved the bright colours and the notes of encouragement, plus, watching all of those 15 minutes adding up was like visual proof that I was surviving. That I was living.

By the time the squares ran out, the wall was covered in vibrant patches of energy - celebrating life, 15 minutes at a time.

There were three packets of squares bought, and some squares were used for other things. Nobody counted them as they were going up on the wall, but when the last square went up someone decided to add them.

When we figured out how many hours of 15 minutes were on the wall, we counted again.
Then again.
Then one more time, to be sure.

They add up, exactly, to the time Baby Zy spent with us, alive.

His alive time.

I have the best friends in the world!

Megan from Imaginif did a post today about gratitude. It got me thinking about the things I am most grateful for at the moment, and after a while I realised that every single thing is made even sweeter by the people I can share or experience them with.
I am grateful that I have the best friends in the world!

I have friends who don't make me feel bad for those bad days that didn't include a shower.... Because they smell worse than I do.

I have friends who aren't afraid of my leaking boobs.... They just call me a cow and throw me a towel.

I have friends who aren't afraid of my pain.... Even when I am.

Friends who answer their phone to me - who let me cry and sob and vomit grief everywhere, and who hang up for me when the phone is stuck to my ear and I am terrified of being disconnected from them.... Friends who will do this today and still answer the phone again tomorrow.

Friends who listen when I tell them I feel as if I am drowning - who will then push me backwards, without warning, into an icy cold swimming pool... To prove that I will not go under forever.

And friends who jump into the icy cold water with me.

I have internet friends, who are just as magnificent as the freaks this side of the screen.

Friends who's thoughts and well wishes transcend the words of an email, a comment or blog post.

Friends who care enough to give virtual hugs.

Friends who find the time to comment or email, even when the time (and the words) are difficult to come by.

Friends who offer support, encouragement and understanding, even when it must certainly poke and prod at their own grief.

Friends who allow me to share what I need to share, feel what I need to feel and blog what I need to blog - And who still drop by to read, even when it's not all warm and fuzzy.

Friends who ignite a little of Baby Warrior's light, just by reading about his moments and believing in his love.

To my friends,
Real life, internet, or otherwise,

Thank you!

You are the best friends in the world, and I am so very grateful that you are all part of my life experience.

Warrior Wednesday

The two most important men in my life both left their bodies at 8:30pm on a Wednesday.
Sometimes this is a down right horrible thought and it turns my Wednesdays into crap days - but mostly it is comforting, because I believe in magic moments and I believe in their significance. Our little warrior could have died at any time, but he didn't. I like to think that when Zy died, Daddy Kewl was there waiting for him. Actually, I don't just like thinking this, I like knowing this.... It's significant.

The last few days I have pushed myself into blogging some of the moments from three other kewl and significant people. "Their lives deserve celebrating." I told myself... "You can't stop forward movement. It's time to move forward."

But to be honest, I'm struggling.

I love the moments I have to celebrate with my kewl girls, and I do not - for one second - underestimate their value. What I'm struggling with is the fourth kewl and significant child who's moments aren't being celebrated in the same way. Some are, sure - but to fully appreciate many of them, there is a need for details and history and explanation that is still too raw to blog about. So, while Zy is constantly present in my thoughts and in my heart - as every child is for every parent - his moments are missing from this "forward blogging movement".

Honestly? The thought of moving forward without Zy is totally and utterly terrifying. I know he will always be in my heart, and in the hearts of the people who love him... But there is still that niggling voice that screams it's bloody head off when I post about something other than him - something 'normal' - because even though he is constantly present in my heart, and the people close to us hold him in their hearts, what about the others? What about the people who don't know his story?
The thought that Zy is being left out is like a red hot iron being driven into my soul.
It hurts. And I don't like it.

So.... Instead of dwelling on it and feeling awful and not posting anything.... I am coming up with a solution. I'm going to make Wednesday each week "Warrior Wednesday" on the Kewl blog. This way I can be OK with blogging the every day moments, because I will know that Zy's moments are not being forgotten, overlooked or left out. It is also a clear and positive way of creating a balance between "now" moments, and those that are a little more reflective... A way to bring Zy with us on this whole forward movement thing.

Does this make sense?

Lol... Oh well. It is my plan, and it feels good.

As today is Wednesday, I have a couple of moments - one that I've wanted to share for a while, that didn't make it onto the Baby Blog because it happened in the midst of a whole lot of freaking chaos! And another that is a Baby Warrior and kewl girl moment from the 'now'.

The first happened while I was pregnant, and is a testament to just how big and FAT I got carrying Baby Warrior around in his overfilled water bed....
The kewl girls and I were at the park when, just for something different, I had to pee. Leaving the girls safely with our nanny, I made a fast waddle for the loo's. Then, satisfied that my bladder was no longer about to burst, I went to return to the kewlettes.

Errr... Not so fast....

I went to open the stall door and discovered it was stuck. Well, more to the point - I was stuck...
My belly was so big I could not get the door open wide enough to make my escape, and my baby brain was not about to come up with a solution any time soon.
After about 20 minutes of sitting in a public loo stall, half laughing, half crying, Mary Poppins finally came searching and was able to manoeuvre the door open... But only after another 20 minutes of hysterical laughter on her part.
(Reading back over this moment, I realise it may be one of those, "You had to be there" things, but hey - I was there and today it makes me smile.)

The next moment is from an inspired Miss J.

This morning her and her sisters were playing dress ups when Miss J gave up her high heels and fake fur to come and see me.

Miss J: "Mummy... We're hungry."

I asked her what she felt like to eat, and she replied, "Salt and vinegar chips."

Seemingly not such a special request, except that Miss J and her sisters all hate salt and vinegar chips and are not allowed to eat them anyway because of the gluten factor.

And that salt and vinegar chips were also one of the few things I craved, non stop, whilst pregnant with Baby Warrior.

Me: "Are you sure you want salt and vinegar chips?"

Miss J: "Yes, we do."

Me: "Your sisters too?"

Miss J: "Oh mum... *insert teenage style rolling of eyes* ... Me and Zy want salt and vinegar chips."

Of course.

Needless to say, we now have a cupboard full of salt and vinegar chips.


In the service station (aka gas station) today, the man at the counter asked the girls if they were being good little children so that Santa would bring them a present for Christmas. Being that we're not really into the whole Santa thing, the girls were somewhat confused by this question, so the man went on to explain how Santa brings presents for all the good little girls and boys, but..... If you've been bad, he leaves a lump of coal in your stocking instead!!!

Miss F was not impressed.

"Well that's just silly!" she said....

"Hasn't Santa heard about global warming?!"


From the back seat of the car....

Miss J: "Mummy?"

Me: "Yes Miss J?"

Miss J: "Are you a virgin?"

Me: "No darling, I'm not."

Miss J: "Oh. OK then."

In other news.....

Miss V made a new friend today.
She wants to put him in her pocket so they can play together.
I am all for diversity, but being pocket pals with this guy?

Um.... I don't think so.


Miss J and Miss F have been getting a lot of attention for their twin-ness recently. "A lot" as in, a lot more than usual.
We are in a new town - a relatively small town, at that - and I am guessing they have not seen many identical twins before. Well, actually... Considering the people at the supermarket welcomed us at the doors with big smiles, energetic waves, and exclamations of, "Oh LOOK! The double kids!" .... It's not really a guess so much as it is a stating of the obvious.

Thankfully we are also surrounded by our own bunch of freaks, who have been wonderful in celebrating Miss J and Miss F as individuals and making their twin-ness into a kind of kewl, freak talent, rather than a defining feature.
Still, I was so very relieved when Miss J herself started a conversation about her and her twin sister's individuality at the breakfast table today....

Miss J: "People look at us because we look the same, don't they?"
Me: "Yes Miss J, some people do. Being a twin is very special and not many people get to have a twin sister. You only look the same though, people who know you know that you are both different."
Miss F: "Yeah... We look the same, but we're not the same, hey mum?"
Me: "No, you're not. You are both different.... Like how Miss F loves to sing and twirl a lot and Miss J loves to dance and jump a lot. That's different."
Miss J: "Yeah, and Miss F likes yellow jelly but I don't."
Me: "Yep. How else are you different?"
Miss F: "My scooter is white and it has flowers and it has 4 wheels but Miss J's is pink and no flowers and it has 3 wheels."
Miss J: "Yeah, and I like painting hearts but Miss F likes painting flowers."
Me: "Exactly!"

I have to say, I was finding our conversation very reassuring at this point - hearing both Miss J and Miss F speak about themselves as individuals was music to my ears.
It was also a relief not to have to worry about them developing any kind of complex from all the extra attention.

Then, just as this last thought passed through my mind, Miss F added,

"Yeah, and Miss J's farts stink but mine don't!"

Oh dear.