Somebody save me from my children?!

I have had one of those days.

TJ had 2 friends for a sleep over for his birthday last night (they were picked up at 10am) so he had a late night and is tired and cranky today. Understandably, he's wanted some space to chill out and play with his new toys, only instead of taking his space in any of the 3 or 4 places where the other kids won't bother him, he's been playing with his new things on the floor of his bedroom - which he shares with Mr R - and getting annoyed and aggressive when Mr R comes in and wrecks whatever he's doing. I gave him 30 minutes where he was allowed to shut the door and lock Mr R out - for which Mr R screamed indignantly the whole time - then he had to open the door again and instead of moving, he stayed on the floor and got even more angry when Mr R returned with a vengeance.
I eventually had to give him a time out because he pulled Mr R's legs off and threw them in the rubbish bin!!

The girls have turned into obnoxious little teenage monsters and are picking on each other like there's no tomorrow. Miss J said to her twin, "I am sad when I look in the mirror because I see you and you are ugly!"
Miss F retorted with, "At least you're not sad like me because I have your brain and it's stupid!"
Then they each retaliated by sneaking scissors from the other's home learning desk and cutting strips in their twin's favourite dress, before each trying to blame it on the other when they were discovered!!! When I told them they were to do their best to repair the damage in the other's clothes, Miss F said, "Fine. And I will turn it into a dog jumper because she is a dog!"
And Miss J came back with, "Fine! And I will turn it into toilet paper because you smell like POO!!!"

Miss V is annoyed because her siblings won't do what she says 100% of the time and she ends up screaming red faced at anything that moves. She landed herself a time out when she told me my vagina was stupid because it suffocated the intelligence out of her sisters...
I told her that she too, came out of my vagina.
She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Yeah, well OBVIOUSLY it was already STRETCHED by then!" ... Hence the time out!
She scored herself another one when she hid a piece of TJ's new jigsaw puzzle while he wasn't looking, causing him to meltdown AGAIN when he had finished his jigsaw except for one last piece that he couldn't find, and why did Miss V think that was so funny? (Because she is a little monster, TJ, that's why!)

In between all this Mr R has been doing his best dog impression and peeing on the floor all bloody day just to get a reaction

And possibly worst of all - the dirty lesbians used my dishwasher to clean their sex toys!!!