Bang Bang - Your Spirit is Eternal

At the park today...

A boy comes running out from behind the slide with his hand aimed at Miss F, gun style, and yells,

"Bang! Bang! You're dead!"

Miss F looks up and replies calmly,

"No, you can't kill me - My spirit is eternal."

Confused, the boy says,

"That's not how you play. You're supposed to run away or I'll shoot you."

Miss F stands tall, and from the same calm space, she replies once more,

"I'm not scared of you. And I'm not scared of dieing."

---

For most of the girls' lives, Daddy Kewl has been with us only 'in spirit'. To us, this means that even though we talk to him often, we feel him close to us and we look out for signs from him, telling us the he loves us and he is here - He will only ever be here in spirit, because he died, and that means that he doesn't have a body any more.
Last year the girls' surrogate baby brother died, too, and even though we talk to him, feel him close to us, and look out for signs from him telling us that he loves us and he is here - He will only ever be here in spirit, just like Daddy Kewl.

Having two people very close to them 'in spirit' has effected the Kewl girls. There are many ways to think about this, depending on your beliefes, but I believe it has heightened their sense of spiritual 'connectedness'.

Sometimes this is hard and confusing, and it causes them deep pain. These are the times when I wish that the girls didn't have so much death in their life experience. I wish that they didn't have to be so aware or have such a developed understanding of what 'in spirit' means (to us). It's also at these times when I start to question whether or not I am doing the right thing by explaining my beliefes to them. Sometimes I even start to wonder whether they would be better off believing that when you're dead, you're dead. That's it. Lights out. All over.

Then there are the times, like today, that tell me we are on the right track. Times when I feel reassured and in a sense relieved, that I am doing the right thing. Times when I think that we are incredibly blessed to have the spiritual knowledge, understanding and life experience that we do. After all, we have some pretty magical moments thanks to our connections 'in spirit' - and even though it's not the same as sharing our lives with the living, breathing, physical beings that we miss so dearly - it is far, far better than not sharing anything at all.

Today has reminded me to trust myself a little more - to keep following what feels right and trust that I know what is right for my girls, too.
It has also made me quietly proud that in all the trauma and heart ache of Daddy Kewl and Baby Warrior dieing - Miss F stands tall - Calm and unafraid, with the knowledge that her spirit is eternal.

No frills breakfast

Miss F has taken fussy eating to a whole new level today. When I presented her with her breakfast - her gluten free, lactose free, nut free, vegetarian, nutritious and very tasty breakfast, no less - she pushed it away, stuck her nose in the air and said, "Mum, I couldn't possibly eat this."

When I asked her why not, she replied, "It's just not pretty enough."

Path

Today is Photo Challenge Day over at Mountaingirls Musings.

I haven't played in a while, but this week Miss F and I were in the mood for a challenge we could tackle together (as opposed to the kind of challenge where we tackle each other), and this one was perfect.

As always, this photo comes with a Kewl girl moment.
When Miss F was looking at the photo on the computer, I asked her what she was seeing. This is what she said...

"At the start the trees are big and really tall. And there's lots of shade. But look mum! I can see the sun down the path there! It's going to be really sunny soon, mum."

Amen to that, Miss F.

"Path"
By Miss F

Miss F's new song

At least I know where she got it from this time!

After having had the radio on in the car this week (because the CD player is broken!), Miss F has a new favourite tune. I have to admit - it rather suits her and her timing is perfect.

As you may or may not know, Miss F is a fashion diva. She has a love for hair, make up and accessories, but her first passion is clothes. It takes her twice as long as the rest of us to get dressed in the morning and her fashion flair is far too fabulous to be limited to just one outfit per day. Oh no. Miss F changes her clothes at least four times a day - usually every couple of hours.

This week, each time Miss F has changed her outfit she has gone into her room, selected her new dress, picked matching shoes, adjusted her hair clips and lip gloss accordingly, then proceeded to the mirror for a final inspection.

This is where her new favourite song comes in. Or, more specifically, her favourite line...

After making any necessary adjustments, Miss F looks adoringly at her reflection and belts out this line from Gabriella Cilmi's new song, 'Don't want to go to bed now'...

"You look good, you look good, you're good looking, yeah!"

Again...
"You look good, you look good, you're good looking, yeah!"

And again...
"You look good, you look good, you're good looking, yeah!"

And again!
"You look good, you look good, you're good looking, yeah!"

I thought it was very cute... Until she launched into another line from the chorus at bedtime tonight:

"I don't want to go to bed now, bed now, not now, not now, NOT!"

Again...

"I don't want to go to bed now, bed now, not now, not now, NOT!"

And again...

"I don't want to go to bed now, bed now, not now, not now, NOT!"

And again!

"I don't want to go to bed now, bed now, not now, not now, NOT!"

Okay Miss F, ha ha, very cute.
NOT.

Three year old sympathy

Miss F: "Look mum! Now my foot is like yours!"

Er.. Anyone know how to gently remove nail polish from feet?

(P.S. Sorry about the crappy photo - It's from the camera phone!)

Silly mum

Miss F loves taking photos. In fact, give her a camera and she will amuse herself for up to an hour - That is how much she loves taking photos!

When she is in one of her arty photographer moods, it is best not to disturb her - She gets quite cranky when you interrupt her flow. If she could make such an offence punishable by death, I honestly think she would consider it.
I have learned the hard way that asking to look at her photos before she has finished with the camera counts as interrupting. I do like to see what she has captured though, so we came up with an acceptable alternative. When the memory card is full, we hook the camera up to the computer and go through her shots, saving to good ones and "clearing" the rest.

This morning Miss F spent an hour taking photos in town. She took so many photos that when we got home the camera was flashing "Memory Card Full", so we sat down at the computer together and started clicking through her photos. To her credit, Miss F is not afraid of good honest feedback, nor is she precious about her photos - most of them get "cleared" without so much as a second thought.

Today, after "clearing" 20 or so similar images, I started to have second thoughts. My mind went back to poor James and the forty four photos I sat through before finally realising I was looking at more than just grass. I started to think that maybe today's repetitive images also had a deeper meaning, so I asked Miss F to explain this photo to me:


She said,

"Silly mum... That's you and dad playing music in the sky."

Quotes

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

~Richard Bach



"Look mum! Daddy's flying!"
~Miss F

Miss J's Lullaby

Miss J sometimes has trouble going to sleep. We have tried lots of different things to help her at bedtime - lately putting on some soft music has been a winner.

Tonight Miss J got up after bedtime and came to ask if she could put some music on. I said yes, as long as she put it on softly.
A little while later I crept down to her room to check on her, but when I opened the door I cracked up laughing...

Instead of Beethoven at Bedtime or Sounds from the Sea or any of the other multitude of gentle bedtime music CD's she has, tonight Miss J's chosen lullaby was The Cat Empire. Specifically, "Hello" on repeat.

Miss J was fast asleep.

Miss F, however, was now wide awake, jumping up and down on her bed and playing her teddy like a trumpet. She didn't notice me at first, but when she did, the timing of her reaction was so perfect we couldn't have done it better if we tried.

The trumpet sounded, her teddy was played, she swung around to face me and together with the Cat Empire she said,

"Hello, hello."

How to jump shopping queues...

This afternoon we had to make a quick dash to the shops after a pretty full on day. The girls were genuinely tired, so when we were standing in the queue at the counter and Miss F complained, "My legs are DYING mum!", I figured it would be easier to pick her up than deal with a dead leg induced tantrum.

Now face to face, this is the conversation that followed...

Miss F, "Mummy look! You have symmetrical pimples!"

Me, "They're freckles, darling."

Miss F, "No they not, they pimples!" *Pointing* "One on that side and one on that side. See? Symmetrical pimples!"

Me, "Yes, they are symmetrical, and they are freckles because they are brown, aren't they?"

Miss F, "No they are pimples, mum. Pim-ples."

Sniggering from the people in front of us...

Me, "They're freckles, Miss F."

Miss F, "PIMPLES! They are pimples! 'Cause they are all red and gooey and 'scusting! Yucky pimples."

Silence from me...
Laughter from the people in front of us...

Miss F, "They are pimples, mum. Sorry - But they are."

More silence from me.
More laughter from the people in front of us...

Miss F, "Mum....? Mummy....? Hey Al....? Allllllll......????"

Me, "Yes, darling child?"

Miss F, "They are pimples, aren't they? Yeah, I know they are 'cause of the pus and stuff. They are really gross you know, mum."

Me, "OK, thanks Miss F."

Miss F, "Mum?"

Me, "Yes, Miss F?"

Miss F, "Are you going to stop eating pus now?"

Roars of laughter from the people in front of us...

Me, "What?!!"

Miss F, "Eating pus?"

Me, "I don't eat pus! Yuck!"

Miss F, "But L (her friend's mum) says that you are what you eat? So you shouldn't eat pimples, should you mum?"

Me, "No you shouldn't. I will stop eating pimples."

Miss F, "EEWWW! You eat PIMPLES!! That's GROSS!!"

Me, "I think you can stand on your own feet now, Miss F."

Miss F, "Yeah! 'Cause I might get sploshed with pimple pus otherwise! Oh no! Don't splosh on me, mum!" *Covers her head dramatically*

Hysterical laughter from everyone around us...

Then the person in front of us turned around and said, "You can go before me... I don't want to get sploshed on, either."

And that is how to jump the queue when shopping with pimples children.

(P.S. - I have symmetrical freckles.)

Shopping with Bob

Three somewhat random bits of information are needed to appreciate our moment this morning...
Firstly, I've rediscovered Bob Marley and had my favourite CD on pretty much non stop this week.
Secondly, we've recently been shopping for presents to share with friends when we go to Cairns next month.
Finally, our neighbours have just returned from a trip overseas and when they came over to catch up their 8 year old told us all about the wonders of duty free shopping.

On to the moment...
The kewl girls were playing shops this morning - Miss J was the attendant, Miss V was her lackey and Miss F was the customer.
Their shop wasn't fortunate enough to have a stereo system, so Miss F decided to make her own background music...

The happy customer grooved up and down the aisles singing, "I shop for sharing! But I do not shop in duty free... Oh no NO! .... They say they going to bring me big gifties... But what - I don't know! Do do do, do-do-do, do do do... HEY! I shop for sharing! But I do not shop in duty free... Oh no NO!"

I have to say, I'm with Miss F on this one - I'd much rather "shop for sharing" than "shoot the sheriff".
Sorry Bob!

Pardon?

We were playing at the park today and another child (about 8 or 9) came over to join us. When she noticed Miss J and Miss F playing together she exclaimed, "Oh LOOK! Twins!"
Then she asked, "Can I pat them?!"

Girl Stuff

I have been tagged by Megan from Imaginif for a Girlie Meme.
People who know me are probably falling off their chairs laughing at the moment. Miss F is. She can't believe other people are asking me about make up, and she says she will help me so I don't use her lip gloss as eye shadow again.
I maintain I only did that once, and I was nervous because Miss F was watching me.

Before I get to the meme questions, I have a disclaimer:
I don't wear make up. I haven't since I was about 17. Not as "me" anyway. I love getting into costume and donning stage make up, but I see that as a character - a performance - not a personal choice.
The reason for my lack of make up is not lack of care. I do take pride in my appearance and make an effort to look and feel "good", but using make up to change, enhance, or 'better' my face doesn't sit well with me any more.
It took a few hard lessons for me to learn that no amount of 'bettering' will make me feel beautiful if I don't already feel beautiful to start with. Once this clicked and my thoughts changed from covering up the perceived imperfections to celebrating individuality there was no going back.
I don't think make up itself is all bad - I understand that for some (including Miss F), make up is empowering and liberating and something that feels good.
It's just not for me.
OK - End of disclaimer.

Meme starting now:

Foundation:
I once wore the wrong type of foundation on stage and the lighting made me look green.

Miss F says that you're meant to wear it so people can't see when you get embarrassed - We both think this is silly.

Mascara:
Ouch. I haven't attacked myself with a mascara wand in ages, and I certainly don't keep weapons in the house.
I have a wicked pair of false eye lashes from my performing days though. They were given to me by one of the most respected drag queens on the festival circuit. When she presented them to me, she said, "Because you need them more than I do, sweetie darling".

Miss F is not yet aware of it's existence. I would like to keep it this way for as long as possible. She does enough damage with her eyes as it is.

Day Cream:
I use fresh aloe from the garden most evenings and wash it off in the shower at night. I also love papaw ointment and use it on my lips all the time.

Miss F - wears tinted (all natural) sunscreen during the day and cleanses her pores with rose water at night.
Seriously.

Essential Beauty Product:
Laughter.

Miss F has her own tube of papaw ointment, her own aloe plant, pink strawberry soap, 13 different shades of lip gloss, 7 tubs of glitter and 9 favourite hair accessories. Apparently these are all "Super 'sentials."

Favorite Makeup Product:
Face paint. I LOVE it. I make an awesome "Patch" the dog.

Miss F is a lip gloss diva. We've had to limit her to 3 colours in her hand bag at a time. We also have to allow an extra 20 minutes or so in our morning routine so she can choose which 3 shades go best with her outfits of the day.

Perfume:
Essential oils (hi Megan!). I make balms with beeswax and essential oils so they aren't too, er, oily. My current favourite is a blend called Dream Time. No idea what it's a blend of exactly, but it's divine.
I have also been known to splash a little tea tree and sodium bicarb deodoriser on my clothes if I smell too much like horses.

God mother makes a lavender spray for Miss F. I actually quite like this too, and it's great for calming down a stressed out Miss F if she runs out of new outfits to change into.

Nails:
Fairly long and very strong - Great for picking tics out of the animals.

Miss F - "Pink, and pink with pink sparkles, and just pink sparkles, and pink with silver sparkles and silver and pink sparkles."
She has 10 different nail polishes and applies a different one to every nail. When the neighbouring teens come over they fight over who is first to get their nails painted by Miss F.

Hands:
I love my hands. They are soft and creative and I love what they can do. I have long fingers, too, and can get lost watching them cruising up and down the keys of a piano.

Miss F says "Hands are for patting, not pulling tails".
(This is kind of our mantra at the moment.)

Feet:
I think my feet are still mad at me for torturing them with years of ballet. They hate shoes, so most of the time I don't wear any. Except for horse riding boots. I ALWAYS wear boots when I'm going to be around the horses.

Miss F is in love with her pink boots. She made a bed for them out of an old fluffy pink jumper and she tucks them in at night.

Three Products to bring on a deserted island:
That doesn't seriously mean products as in, 'beauty products' does it? LOL! Seriously!
OK:
1. A chocolate face mask - because you can eat it.
2. A nail file - for self protection.
3. Miss F's lavender mist - 'cause I figure we'll all need it when she runs out of outfits on the island.

Women I admire for their beauty:
This woman...

Her spirit, her character and her love of life make her one of the most beautiful women I know.
Also, the bumper sticker you can just see behind her says "Men are like floor tiles - Lay them once and you can walk all over them for years".
Now have another look at the grin on her face and tell me that isn't beautiful!

Women with the Best Sense of Style:
Miss F, naturally. She changes outfits at least 3 times a day and has a special "wardrobe bag" dedicated to carrying the selected outfits when she's not at home.

My Ultimate Dream:
To master (or at least get very very good at) the art of living in the moment and only attracting that which brings me joy.

How Do I Define Womanhood:
I came up with a few different things here, but I just can't go past the stunning definition Megan gave:
Womanhood is like a crystal sphere hanging in the window. Given sunshine, beautiful shots of colour occur at any angle and with no notice. Multi faceted, it is possible for the sphere to throw colour in many directions at the same time but to also hang colourless when being systematically watched with an expectation of performance.

Plain, yet beautiful, the multi faceted crystal sphere needs to be handled with care because of it’s dense tough fragility and, given light to perform at its best. Block the light to the sphere and you will get nothing but that which you deserve: nothing more than robotic movement.

Few people have ever discovered the inner workings of the crystal sphere and the angle of the sun required to produce the most brilliant rainbow hues - but that’s okay, because the crystal sphere has ultimate shine and powers when she wants and she is ready.

Favourite Fashion Publication:
Horseland catalogues - They make me laugh. There is just something about people in gumboots and jodhpurs trying to look stylish that I find very funny. I think horses find it funny, too. I know mine do - They make me step in horse poo when I get new boots, just so I don't go getting any posh ideas.

The last bit:
Now that I've managed to incorporate horse poo into a post about make up and girlie stuff, I'm going to tag Jeanie and Pencil Writer.

Phew. Must be time for a chocolate face mask.

Word of the week

Today we went to visit a friend, H, who owns a hardware store in town. H likes teaching the girls about all the different bits of equipment and the girls like being her 'helpers'.
Today there were a stack of pots that needed to be loaded onto a trolley and moved to another wall. Miss J and Miss V dived right in and started stacking, Miss F did not.
H asked her if she'd like to help too, and Miss F replied..

"No thanks. I'm an intellectual."

Touché.

James and the olive branch

It's a beautiful day here today. The sun is out and there is a cool breeze, just perfect for playing outside. We spent the morning hanging out with the horses, then Miss J helped Miss V wash the dogs (ie. attack them with the hose) while Miss F wandered around taking photos.

We weathered a minor storm from Miss F when it was time to head back inside for lunch. She cracked it big time when I got up to go inside. "But MUM! (Insert unintelligible wailing here) MUM! WAIT!" I figured it was just the fallout from an unsettled week, so I let her scream it out. She joined us at the table fairly quickly and she seemed to have calmed herself down, even if she was still shooting me filthy looks.

After lunch I decided I'd had enough filth for one day, so I hooked the camera up to the computer, olive branch style, and asked Miss F to show me her photos.
Her 67 photos, to be precise.

Olive branch accepted, the show began - complete with running commentary.
Twenty three of them were of "Al holding Misster Baskey Ball", and they looked something like this:

The rest of them were of "James", and they looked like this:

Oh yeah, Miss F was really working that olive branch.

I sat through forty four photos of grass.
Not only that, I pretended to be interested in every single one of them.
Am I kewl, or what?

Yeah, I am. So kewl I was about to delete every last blade - Then I had a brain wave...

"Miss F, who is James?"
"That's James..." She pointed at the screen.
"Where?"
"There..." She pointed again.
"Show me one more time?"

"Right there!"

"Oh KEWL!"

"Ye-ah. That was right before you dropped Misster Basskey Ball on him."
She flung me a look so filthy I'll be cleaning dirt out of my ears for weeks.

Oh dear.

The unintelligible wailing suddenly became intelligible.

"But MUM! You just squished James! MUM! WAIT!"

And with that, Miss F let go of the olive branch and it flicked back and thwacked me on the forehead.

Not kewl, mum.

Well Sor-ry!

I have a stash.

Of chocolate.

I hide it in the freezer and only ever bring it out after the girls' bedtime so they don't see it and make me share.

As soon as the coast was clear last night I put on a CD (Jethro Tull, Best Of) and raided my stash for the biggest piece of chocolate I could find. I was reclining on the couch, enjoying my antioxidant packed goodness, when I choked on my own saliva.
Nice.

After a good few minutes of loud, breathless coughing, sweet and intuitive Miss F appeared by my side. She knelt down and put her head on my knees, looking up at me.
Awww.

When my strangled coughs subsided long enough for her to get a word in, she sat up and said, "Mum.. I can't sleep with all this noise, you know."

Potatoes?

The three kewl girls are obsessed with the colour pink. I try not to encourage this particular obsession, but that's not to say I don't use it to my advantage on occasion.

Not long after the pink obsession began, I discovered beetroot the wonder fruit and it's ability to turn food pink. After this discovery I started adding beetroot the wonder juice to everything and the girls became a whole lot less fussy about food. Pink potatoes were a particularly big hit. So much so, they became a regular feature on our dinner table.
Maybe too much of a regular feature.

We went to the girls' god parent's for dinner last night and they made 'regular' mashed potatoes. Miss F was not having it.

Miss F: "What's that?"
God Mother: "Mashed potatoes"
Miss F: "Potatoes? Are you sure?"
GM: "Yes, I'm sure."
Miss F: "What did you do to them?"
GM: "I mashed them.."
Miss F: "Potatoes?"
GM: "Yes."
Miss F: "But they're a funny colour?"
GM: "They're white..."
Miss F: "Oh. Are they sick?"
GM: "No, that's just how potatoes are."
Miss F: "White?"
GM: " Yes."
Miss F: "Oh."
[Pause]
Miss F: "Lying isn't a good choice, you know."
GM: "I'm not lying!"
Miss F: "Ah-huh."

I spy...

We're away on another adventure at the moment. We left a week ago to visit family in Melbourne and now we are with friends, getting ready for the Byron Bay Blues and Roots Fest!
Those stories will have to wait until we are home and settled again, but this one just has to be told now..

"I spy" is a fantastic game. You can't lose it or choke on the pieces and it's great for familiarizing the girls with new surroundings while we're traveling.
It it also one of those games that all three girls never get tired of - and I have to admit, I actually quite enjoy it too. Anything that enables me to catch a glimpse of the world through their eyes is a winner, as far as I'm concerned. Well, most of the time.

F: I spy with my little eye, something yellow and wonky and yucky and dirty and smelly!
Me: Nelly's chewed up tennis ball?
F: No!
V: A f.ck!
F: No!
Me: No V, a Duck. D. Duck.
F: I said NO, mum.
Me: Oh right. Sorry. Yellow and smelly?
F: Yes. And silly.
Me: OK. The old straw hat over there?
F: No!
Me: Can I have a clue please?
F: They are old and boring.
Me: Uhhmm... Rotten flowers?
F: NO! But good try mum.
Me: Thanks F. Can you tell me more about the colour?
F: Yucky yellow. Like when Nelly vomits.
Me: IS it Nelly vomit?
F: No!
Me: Nelly's teeth?
F: No!
Me: Wow, this is a good one. Can I have another clue please?
F: Well mum, they are SOOO last season.
Me: Last season? Like veggies from last season?
F: NOOO! Finished guessing yet?!!
Me: Yep. I've run out of ideas.

F: YOUR SHOES!

Ouch.

Do they have their own language?

People often ask this about F and J.
Before they started speaking my language ("More chocoalte?"), they did what all babies do - they babbled. They weren't particularly advanced or different in this aspect of their vocbulary, but they did understand each other. Watching them communicate it did look a lot like they had their own language. They had many, many conversations and would quite regularly crack each other up. I tried long and hard to understand their babble but was never successful.

As their language skills developed and they started speaking English they gradually stopped having these coded conversations. They still have a far greater understanding of each other than many other people, but as they are siblings of the same age, at roughly the same stage developmentally, who have similar experiences and spend a lot of time together, I don't find this unusual.

As well as verbal language, all three girls know Makaton (a form of sign language). I've always used basic signs with them and as they got older they showed an interest in signing, so I did more with them. Knowing sign is great, but it is pretty useless if no one else understands you! Thankfully we know a few people outside of our family who also sign, including 8 year old S.

J and F are great friends with S. Their friendship is based on plenty of things other than Makaton, but their ability to communicate in this way certainly strengthens their bond.
S is quite a bit more advanced than the girls with Makaton. Sometimes this gets frustrating for them but most of the time S enjoys teaching J and F new signs.
This used to give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Shared learning at it's best, right?

Yeah, right.

This morning we took Nelly to dog training. Everyone was happy doing their thing for almost an hour. Then F came up to me in her 'ready to go' mood.
I asked her to go and tell her sister it was time to leave.
I watched her walk over to J, who was talking with a group of mums and kids.
Being twins, they attract a fair bit of attention when they're together, and this time was no exception.
The whole group stopped and stared as F approached her sister.
I heard F speaking and saw her sign "Finished. Leaving." Aww... Warm and fuzzy!

Then I saw J sign, "Bullshit! Get stuffed!"

Thankfully, knowing sign is useless when no one else understands you.