How to give your mother a heart attack - 101

Miss V, "I just wanted to be in Mr R's pants, that's all!"

It doesn't matter that she was referring to the magnetic letter 'I' that fell out of Mr R's pants when I was changing his nappy...

I do not ever want to hear Miss V talking about anything being inside a boys pants, ever, ever, again!!!

Now, please excuse me while I continue breathing into a paper bag...

Perfection Personified?

In our house, once food is served, that is it. Everyone usually gets a say in what goes on the menu, but once it hits the table - that's it. Discussion over.
Miss J is not always happy about this house rule, so this week she has came up with a way to show her displeasure and express her fussy streak, whilst still abiding by the rules.

This week Miss J has decided she will not eat any piece of fruit that has a "yuck bit" on it.
Not until I have removed the offending yucky bit, anyway.

Now, it may not seem like such a big deal - simply removing a spot from an apple or extracting a stray dog hair (opps!) from a banana every now and then - but did you know that it is possible to find up to 5 yucky bits on every single piece of fruit, if you look hard enough?
It's true. And Miss J can prove it.

All week I have spent snack times taking bites out of Miss J's food in order to remove the yucky bits and return it to an acceptable state of perfection. I realised after the second day of yuck removing duties that I may be allowing a bad habit to form - but I decided it was not a battle I was up for fighting. So I continued removing yucky bits... And boy has Miss J continued to find them!

After biting off the 6th yucky bit from a single banana today I kinda sorta lost my patience for a moment.

When Miss J held out her banana again, I said to her, "Not everything in nature is going to be absolutely perfect all the time, Miss J!"

She replied, "Why not? I am."

I was kewl, once...

We had fried rice for dinner tonight and in the spirit of Bob Marley rewrites, I thought we could have a little fun with our meal. I bopped over to the table singing, "Get up! Stand up! Stand up for your rice! Get up! Stand up! Rice is really nice!"

I was greeted not by smiling, laughing, standing children - But by three blank stares.

I could have just sat down and pretended like nothing happened - But oh no - I had to go another round.
"Come on girls, sing with me! ... Get up, stand up! Stand up for your rice!"

Three blank stares.

Then Miss V rolled her eyes at me.

Then Miss J said, "That's not how it goes, mum."

Then Miss F said, "Ye-ah.. And you're not a'sposed to stand up when you're eating."

Yeah - Duh, mum!

Inside day #4

Yes, I'm posting about the weather.
That is how nutty I go when we have to stay inside all day.

It has been raining here since Friday, and today it is pouring. The road out of town is flooded, as is our drive way and most of the back paddocks. This means the horses have to share a room, and they are not impressed.
It also means we have to stay inside and share our toys.
We are not impressed either.

But as always, the kewl girls are reminding me to change my perspective and make the most of things.

This morning Miss J helped Miss V gather up all the dishes they could find- cups, plates, bowls, cutlery- and put them outside in the rain. Miss J was very please with herself when she told me I wouldn't have to do any washing up today, and Miss V was grinning from ear to ear when she informed me the dishes were: "Cleaning their selves now!".

Then Miss F went outside to check on the bucket we placed in the rain, to see how quickly it would fill up. She called to me, "Look Al! It's raining sideways!"
This was shortly followed by, "Quick! Get the camera!"
Then from mum, "How else could you ask for something?"
Miss F, "Get the camera now!"
Mum, "Or how could you ask so that I might like to do that for you?"
Miss F, "Oh - Quickly get the camera now - please mummy, I love you?"
Bingo!


The down pipe (guessing on the terminology here) has a hole near the bottom so that it doesn't explode when we get heavy rain, and this makes it rain sideways when there is enough water pressure. It looks very kewl - Or in the eyes of Miss F- Very photo worthy.

She was getting awfully close to this 'sidepour' of rain in order to best capture the moment, and I admit, I was more concerned for the dryness of my camera than for the dryness of my daughter.
I asked her, "Is there any water getting on the camera, darling 'I love you' Miss F?"
She said, "Of course not mum."
Phew.
"There is rain getting on the camera."
Duh.

Lunchtime on Inside day #4:
Kewl girls = 53
Mum = 0

Not that I'm counting...

The fine art of feeding

I've been breastfeeding for a while now. I nursed Miss F and Miss J until they weaned themselves when I was around 6 months pregnant with their sister. Then Miss V arrived and she has been nursing for two years. My point being - I think it's safe to say that by now, we have it down to a pretty fine art.

So, imagine my confusion when tonight, instead of latching on properly, Miss V missed her mark. She missed her mark by a lot. I looked down at her sucking away happily, seemingly oblivious to the fact she was a good distance away from her target.

Then she looked at me and said, "Yum. Chocolate."

Umm.. Note to self: Chocolate goes IN mouth. Not down top.

Stinky Germans

We were sitting at our favourite cafe today when Miss J announced, very loudly, "I don't like Germans. They are yucky and stinky and I want them to go away forever."
After I stopped choking... I replied, "People from Germany are people, just like us J. They come from a different place, that's all."
Miss J, "They're not proper people, they're Germans! And they should go back away, and not come and be pesky and sick and disgusting near us."
Me, "People aren't pesky or sick just because they come from somewhere else."
Miss J, "Yeah, Germans are too stinky and annoying and grose! We should catch them all and send them away, 'sept we're not allowed, are we?"

At this point we had the attention of the entire cafe.
The entire German cafe.

Me, "No Miss J, we are definitely not allowed. That would be very mean and unfair. We can't make other people go away because we don't like them, and coming from a different country isn't a reason not to like another person..."
Miss J, "Not people, stinky GERMANS!"
Me, "Miss J, people from Germany are still people!"
Miss J, "No mum - GERMANS!"

Then she made the sign for "mouse" and I nearly passed out with relief.

"OH.. You mean VERMIN!"

"Ye-ah. Stinky vermin."

James and the olive branch

It's a beautiful day here today. The sun is out and there is a cool breeze, just perfect for playing outside. We spent the morning hanging out with the horses, then Miss J helped Miss V wash the dogs (ie. attack them with the hose) while Miss F wandered around taking photos.

We weathered a minor storm from Miss F when it was time to head back inside for lunch. She cracked it big time when I got up to go inside. "But MUM! (Insert unintelligible wailing here) MUM! WAIT!" I figured it was just the fallout from an unsettled week, so I let her scream it out. She joined us at the table fairly quickly and she seemed to have calmed herself down, even if she was still shooting me filthy looks.

After lunch I decided I'd had enough filth for one day, so I hooked the camera up to the computer, olive branch style, and asked Miss F to show me her photos.
Her 67 photos, to be precise.

Olive branch accepted, the show began - complete with running commentary.
Twenty three of them were of "Al holding Misster Baskey Ball", and they looked something like this:

The rest of them were of "James", and they looked like this:

Oh yeah, Miss F was really working that olive branch.

I sat through forty four photos of grass.
Not only that, I pretended to be interested in every single one of them.
Am I kewl, or what?

Yeah, I am. So kewl I was about to delete every last blade - Then I had a brain wave...

"Miss F, who is James?"
"That's James..." She pointed at the screen.
"Where?"
"There..." She pointed again.
"Show me one more time?"

"Right there!"

"Oh KEWL!"

"Ye-ah. That was right before you dropped Misster Basskey Ball on him."
She flung me a look so filthy I'll be cleaning dirt out of my ears for weeks.

Oh dear.

The unintelligible wailing suddenly became intelligible.

"But MUM! You just squished James! MUM! WAIT!"

And with that, Miss F let go of the olive branch and it flicked back and thwacked me on the forehead.

Not kewl, mum.

Teachable Moments

We are really getting into this new home learning routine, especially the 'teachable moments'. Today was packed full of them...

This morning Miss F informed me that I had my shirt on backwards. She suggested I slow down tomorrow morning and enjoy the moment. "'Cause clothes are fun if you make them fun, Al." She also threw in a little positive role modelling with, "My dress in on the right way, see? 'Cause I'm a big girl. It's good to be a big girl sometimes, Al. Will you give it a try?"

Then I spent 20 minutes trying to put Beezie the mini foxy's collar on Whip, the dalmatian. Miss V eventually brought me the right lead and gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. She then pointed out that Whip's lead is red and Beezie's lead is blue. "See, different."

While we were out walking, Miss J reprimanded me for only looking twice, not three times, before crossing the road. Then before we could cross the road she lead us in a round of, "This is the way we look for cars, look for cars, look for cars. This is the way we look for cars, then cross the road together."

This afternoon I went to walk out the front and Miss F said, "Careful, Al."
Then I tripped on the loose step I'd be warning the girls to be careful of all day.
When I tripped I stubbed my toe so I asked J if I could have a band aid from her doctor's kit. She said, "You don't really need one mum. The 'dorphins (aka endorphins) will make it better soon." (I only just resisted the urge to retort, "But I want a BAND AID!")

Finally, while making dinner tonight I discovered I'd forgotten something at the supermarket. When Miss F found out she said, "That's what happens when you don't make a list, Al. So what can you do next time for a better outcome?"

I know we're kind of new to this whole home learning thing, but I still can't help feeling like there's something not quite right with this picture...

Oops...

We bought new winter pj's today, and they came with fluffy socks. They are super kewl. We put them on as soon as we got home, just after lunch.
It's amazing how spending a relaxed, rainy, Sunday afternoon inside in your pj's can warp your mind.

I know some people love it. I am not one of those people.

In my 'pj before 6pm' induced haze, I decided it would be fun to test out the new kewl fluffy socks on our polished floors.

WOAH! What a slide! I flew up and down the hall, zoomed around the kitchen and slid between doorways singing - "OOWW! I feel good! Dana nana nana na... " - Really, really loudly.

That's when it happened. My mind was so warped I completely lost my already shaky grip on reality... And I taught the girls how to slide, too.

Yes, I, Alison Notso Kewl, taught three toddlers how to slide along polished floors whilst wearing slippery socks.

And now they won't stop.

And I can't make them, because I taught them.

What have I done?!

Well Sor-ry!

I have a stash.

Of chocolate.

I hide it in the freezer and only ever bring it out after the girls' bedtime so they don't see it and make me share.

As soon as the coast was clear last night I put on a CD (Jethro Tull, Best Of) and raided my stash for the biggest piece of chocolate I could find. I was reclining on the couch, enjoying my antioxidant packed goodness, when I choked on my own saliva.
Nice.

After a good few minutes of loud, breathless coughing, sweet and intuitive Miss F appeared by my side. She knelt down and put her head on my knees, looking up at me.
Awww.

When my strangled coughs subsided long enough for her to get a word in, she sat up and said, "Mum.. I can't sleep with all this noise, you know."

Yes mum

On the way out this morning I stopped in front of the girls, blocked the doorway and refused to move until they said the magic word.
Miss F said, "Pretty please?"
Miss V said, "Chocolate freckles?"
Miss J said, "We're late you know mum. Time to get in the car now."

Pimple face

Miss V was lying with me this morning, gazing lovingly into my eyes, when she pointed at a red spot on my chin and asked, "What's that?!"
I told her it was a pimple.
She pointed again. "There's another one."
Me, "Yes V."
V, "Look! More!"
Me, "Yes, V."
V, "And MORE!"
Me, "OK, V."
V, "They're EVERYWHERE!"
Me, "No need to rub it in, honey."
V, "Not rubbing. Pointing."
Me, "Of course you are. Sorry."
V, "Count?"
Me, "If you have to.."
V, "Onnneee.... Twwwwoooo..... Thrreeee... Twenty more - a hundred!!
Me, "OK darling. Do you mind if I get a second opinion? Miss F?"
F, "She's right, mum."
Fabulous.

I maintain that my current complexion issues have NOTHING to do with eating too much chocolate and everything to do with those gotta love 'em hormones.

And just for the record, my children exaggerate.

A lot.

Miss V Moment

Constantly ringing phones drive me nuts. Not because I don't want to talk to people (although sometimes that's true, too), but because the shrill ringing interrupts wherever I'm up to in my day. It interrupts my 'being in the moment'.

The phone has been ringing almost non stop today. After the fifth call I hung up and muttered, "What's with the phone today?"

Miss V looked at me oddly and said "It's ringing..."
I agreed that it was indeed ringing. A lot.
She took on that oh so patronising expression and, speaking very s-l-o-w-l-y and clearly, she said "Phones a'sposed to ring, mum."

My 2 year old thinks she's smarter than me.

Duh, Mum!

I've had one of those days! I just don't seem to be on the same, kewl, wavelength as the girls today.

First, F was patting the dog when she said to him, "You stink like pumpkins."
I asked her, "Does that mean he needs a bath?"
She replied, "Yes. With pumpkin juice."
I asked, "How would that make him stop smelling like pumpkins?"
F, "Because we give him a wash, mum. You know, a wash?" (duh!)

Then at the park, J was sitting on a platform playing shop keeper. I was to be her customer. I love her dearly and still, cannot compliment her customer service skills just yet:
Me: Could I have a banana please?
J: None left
Me: How about some corn chips?
J: Nope. Got none
Me: Do you have any pineapple?
J: *Shakes head*
Me: Surely you have some chocolate, then?
J: No. Shops CLOSED!
And she clapped her hands together imitating closing the window.

The clincher:
We found a (live) snake in the lounge room this afternoon. It was a green tree snake and so completely harmless, but not without the fright factor.
I explained to the girls that I got a fright when I saw him but I'm OK now because I can see he's not going to hurt us, so they don't need to be frightened either. We also talked about why he can't hurt us - because he's a "green tree snake" and not poisonous - and that he doesn't want to hurt us either, because he's friendly. After he made his exit I said "I wonder where he came from..", more thinking out loud than anything.
Miss V answered (quite bluntly), "A tree".
I so knew that.