Warrior Wednesday

Dear Zy,

This week your surrogate big sisters and I went down to the beach and got fish and chips. We went and sat on the sand dunes to eat them and almost immediately we were surrounded by sea gulls!! Often we listen to the whispering of the waves to hear the messages they bring from the ocean... But the sea gulls were shouting so loudly it was difficult to hear the whispering of our own thoughts!!
I thought they were yelling for our chips, but your big sisters knew better.

Miss V, "Mum! Listen! The sea gulls have a message from they sky!!! They are saying, 'Zy! Zy! Zy! Zy!' Listen mum!"

I listened, and the chorus of Zy's that I heard made my heart skip and dance and sing.

On the way home, all of your sisters fell asleep in the back and as we drove, the quiet hum of the car carried my thoughts away to you. Just as I was remembering the sparkle in your eyes, something in the side mirror caught my attention. A big, bright ball of sun smiled at me in the reflection. I looked at the internal rear view mirror and strangely enough, I could not see the sun that was so bright in the side mirror.
As we approached a bend in the road, I smiled and said a mental thank you to the sun for capturing my attention and warming my heart. We rounded the bend and I expected the sun to vanish out of range of the smallish side mirror.

It did not move.

Another few kilometres down the road we came to a round about. Our exit was a little over 90 degrees to the right. Surely the sun would not still be behind us, shining into my mirror and my heart...

Of course, it was.

I had just begun to think how strange it was, when I thought again of the beach and of the sea gulls' message from the sky...





My eyes filled with the smallest droplets of salt water as I took in as much of your light as I could.

"I see you, Baby Warrior. I see you."

Then in a blink, you were gone.

But I still feel your light warming my heart.

Thank you, Baby Warrior.

Love me.


Miss V, "Mummy, will you play a game with us?"
Miss J, "Yeah mum, will you?"
Me, "Ok, what are we playing?"
Miss V, "Ummm.... I be the elf puppy with magic sparkly tails!"
Miss J, "I'll be the twirling silver star cloud!"
Miss F, "I'll be the dancer of the silver princess fairy!"
Me, "Oh I like this game... I will be..."
Miss V, "Mummy! You will be the coconut!"
Miss F, "Yes. The coconut."
Miss J, "Bye coconut!"
Miss V, *Patting my arm* "Good coconut."
Miss F, "Umm, excuse me Mrs Coconut, ummm, please... You don't really look that nutty enough. Can you try a bit harder please. It would be funner then."
Me, *Puffs my cheeks out*
Miss F, "Yeah like that. That's much nuttier."



I'm off on two of them - One of the guilt kind and one of the shopping kind...

Miss V, "Mum? When am I going to be bigger than Miss J and Miss F?"
Me, "Umm, I don't know, darling. You might grow taller than them when you are older or they might always be taller than you... Or you might all grow to the same height!"
Miss V, "But mum, I want to be the biggest!!"
Me, "What would be better if you were the biggest?"
Miss V, "Then I will get all of the new clothes first and they can have them second."

And I thought she wouldn't notice...


The Kewl girls and I met some friends at the park today. Our friends are a lot like us - half hippies - because we're not quite normal and not quite feral! We are also both one parent families, home schoolers and advocates for "person first" thinking and living. Particularly relevant to this story is one other commonality... We are both big believers in the power of thought (part law of attraction, part positive thinking, part create your own reality, etc). These beliefs, I think, translate not just to a way of thinking, but more importantly, to a way of living. They also influence the way I parent and the thoughts, both conscious and otherwise, that I try to encourage in my girls.

Today at the park, the Kewl girls and their half hippie friends were playing with a ball and their half hippie mum and I were sitting on a bench not too far away. Another child, about 4 or 5, came over and joined in the ball game. Almost instantly it became obvious that this child did not have fabulous social skills. She did not quite grasp the concept of it being a group game, of passing the ball to others, of taking turns, or of anything much that would make our group of half hippie children want to continue playing with her. Sadly, after no more than 5 minutes, Miss J made an executive decision and said to the other child, "We feel annoyed when you keep hogging the ball because we all want a turn too and you won't share, so we don't want to play with you anymore."
Miss J then went and picked up the ball and began to walk away.

Now, I had been watching this scenario unfold and was tossing up whether I should intervene or not...
Did I need to encourage Miss J to share the ball and not exclude the child who was not part of 'her' group just because she wasn't behaving the way Miss J wanted her to?
On the other hand, Miss J had communicated very clearly why she did not want to play anymore and she had an excellent point - the other child was not sharing at all. Was it right to tell Miss J to share when the other child clearly was not?

I had pretty much decided to let it go for now and in 5 minutes or so, suggest to Miss J that she ask the other girl if she wanted to join in again.
Then the other girl ran up behind Miss J and shoved her in the back. Hard.

Uh oh.

As I was still making my way over, the other girl's mum arrived on the scene. She smacked her child on the hand and told her she was naughty for pushing Miss J over. Then when the child argued that Miss J wasn't playing with her or sharing her ball, her mum said to Miss J, "Well, you should share your toys, you know."
Miss J replied, "But I don't want to."
To which the other mum said, "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. It's called the real world, honey."
Immediately, Miss J responded with, "The real world is for people who can't imagine anything better." Then she picked up her ball and walked away.

To repeat - Uh oh.

As the other mum turned to me with a most outraged expression, my immediate reaction was to jump up and down and cheer Miss J for daring to imagine something better. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I am only half hippie so I restrained myself and was faced with a dilemma...
Should I call Miss J back and explain to her that the words she had chosen could potentially hurt other people's feelings and ask her to think of some different words?
Should I explain to the other mum that Miss J had tried to share but her and her daughter just seemed to clash?
Should I offer an apology, shrug my shoulders and walk away?

I was about to settle on a fairly non committal "Kids, hey." with a sincere smile, and hope for the best, but the other mum got in before me.

"You shouldn't let your children talk to other people like that," she said.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Don't you think she was rude?" *Insert accusatory point of finger*
Me, "Actually, I think she was upset after having someone hog her ball and push her in the back."
Other mum, "Well if you want your child to think she can walk away from anything she doesn't like that's your prerogative."
Me, "Yes it is."

Then I went to walk away and the woman shot after me, "Oh - I see where she gets it from. This is your solution is it? Walking away?"

Before I could stop myself, I replied, "Absolutely... I believe it's called, welcome to our world."

I wish I could say I didn't mean it... But you know what? I really did. Not the being offensive part - it was not my intention at all to pick a fight or attack another person. Nor is it my intention with this post to point the accusatory finger or criticise the other person.
What I would really like to do is ask you, what would you have done?

I still believe that I am part hippie, and that this also means I have not lost touch with more conventional ways of thinking. Essentially, I know I think a little differently to some, but I don't think I'm an ignorant hippie... Am I?

Would you have made your child share if they picked up their ball and went to walk away, as Miss J did?
Would you have made your child apologise if they said, "The real world is for people who can't imagine anything better," in response to another adult?
Would you have walked away from the other parent, as I did?

I would love to know - what would you have done?


Dear Zy,

When you were still in my tummy and you were diagnosed with Cri-du-Chat syndrome, I did a LOT of reading. I went over and over and over every piece of information I could find about this syndrome and what it might mean for your life. One of the things I read was that infants with Cri-du-Chat often have trouble feeding and gaining weight. You also had your own quirky aesophagus that wasn't formed the way the doctors said it should be, and you were going to need an operation to help it do what it should. Both of these things went around and around in my head and I worried a lot about how you were going fare.

This week, I am beginning to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your eating ability!!!!

At the health food shop on Friday, I asked the lady for 4 muffins. I watched her put them in the bag - one, then two, then three, then four. I paid $12, for 4 muffins at $3 each. The lady handed the bag to me and I carried it flat, balancing two muffins on each hand.

When I got home I sat down with the girls to enjoy our muffins. One at a time, the girls reached into the bag and took a muffin... Miss F, then Miss J, then Miss V, then me.

There was still one left in the bag.

Me, "That's funny, I'm sure I only bought four...."
Miss V, "Because I am two, I can have two."
Me, "Nice try darling."
Miss V, "April fools!!! It's not for me. It must be for Zy!"
Miss J, "Yeah! For Zy!"
Miss F, "Don't worry! I will eat it for him!"

Baby Warrior, thank you for sharing a meal time with us and changing the thoughts in my head about you and food. I am sure it was your cheeky grin I saw flash across your surrogate sisters' faces when they offered to eat your muffin - and this is the image I will keep in my head when I think about you at meal times.

Love me.

P.S.. And don't worry.... I ate the muffin for you.


TAILS - "Once upon a time"

This was sent to me via email a little while ago and - vegetarianism notwithstanding - it instantly became my absolute favourite fairy tale of all time.

Hope it gives you a smile.


Miss V, "Mum?"

Me, "Yes Miss V?"

Miss V, "Didn't you know I am vegetarian?"

Me, "I do know that, Miss V. We are all vegetarian..."

Miss V, "But mum - how come you put worms in my dinner?"

Me, "I didn't!!"

Miss V, "You did.. Look.."

Me, "They are bean sprouts, Miss V! They come from a plant."

Miss V, "Mum, I am almost three now you know. You'll have to do better than that."

Me, "It's true! Bean sprouts grow from seeds!"

Miss V, "Can I just have cereal?"

Me, "You can have cereal after dinner if you're still hungry."

Miss V, "Can't I have cereal for dinner a'cause I'm not hungry?"

Me, "No, Miss V. This is your dinner. You can eat around the worms - I mean bean sprouts! You can eat around the bean sprouts if you don't want them."

Miss V, "Can I just go hungry?"

Me, "If you'd prefer to starve your body of nutrients, ok... But I'd rather you ate some stir fry."

Miss V, "I'd rather not ear worms. Thanks."


...... And so, for our next project, we will be growing bean sprouts.


So the Kewl blog has had a make over (obviously) and judging by the poll in the sidebar, most of you are liking the changes. I am too, even if I was a little surprised at first!!! Yes - for the second time in Three Times Kewl history, the blog has had a face lift without me lifting a finger!!!
The creative genius of my darling friend Sammi has struck again. Last time she made me a new header - this time she has outdone herself with a new theme, new header and multitude of other images. Thank you Sammi - You rock woman, and I am so very grateful to have you as my friend.
Sammi has also just joined the blogging world - you can check her out over at Sammi Speaks.. One post in and I'm already hooked!

Ok - here ends the love fest for Sammi. Now I can tell you that along with using my blog for her graphic fill, she has also been using my computer and my internet connection!! Sammi - Get your own, woman!!!


Dear Zy,
I met a brand new baby this week. Her name is Tahlia, and she is your cousin on your dad's side.

Darling Zy, when I held your cousin for the first time I had these awful stabbing pains in my chest. It was mainly grief, but then, for just a moment, I think there was envy. I think I had Baby Envy.

When you were born your body was not strong enough to work on it's own, so the doctors used lots of machines to keep it going for you. Then there were the tests - test after test after test after test - sometimes to monitor something, other times looking for something new, or something different, something that wasn't supposed to be there or something else that was missing.
You must have known the touch of plastic and steel better than the touch of the people who loved you.

For 24 hours you fought, your tiny body being pumped and poked and pricked and prodded, physically holding on by a thread but spiritually growing stronger and brighter with each passing moment.
Oh Zy, the whole time you were here all I wanted to do was hold you - but all I could do was watch.

It wasn't until I had to let you go, that I could finally hold you. As your body grew weaker, the doctors said it was time to leave you be - to stop pumping and poking and pricking and prodding - time to let you go. You were freed from the tangle of tubes and wires and released from the incubator that separated us for almost your lifetime, and as I held you to my heart, in the same moment, it was time to let you go.

Darling Zy, when I held your new born cousin and felt that stabbing pain in my chest, I don't think it was just any kind of baby envy that flickered across my heart.
Because I don't want to have just any baby, or hold just any baby.

I want you.

I want our happy ending.

Do you think that maybe, with enough time, I will see that we already have our happy ending? That it is just my perspective - my thoughts - that make it sad?
I hope so... Because you deserve a happy ending, Baby Warrior. We both do.

I guess it is just up to me to see it.

Did I say "Calm Blue Oceans"?

Hmm. What I must have meant was:

"Check back tomorrow for a TOTAL BLOG OVERHAUL!!"

The Meaning of Easter

Warning: Angry Mother Venting.

Dear Mrs. Cadbury*,
Thank you for taking the time these past weeks to speak with the three Kewl girls and share with them your knowledge of God and your religion, Christianity. I appreciate your patience in answering their multitude of questions, some of them not always, er, polite, and I am most grateful for your acceptance of their (and my) sometimes differing view points.
I would like to apologise for offending you by asking that you refrain from explaining to my children, the Christian meaning of Easter. I understand that to a person as committed to their religion as you are, this request is akin to calling the Easter Bunny 'Hoppin' Jesus' and worshipping his eggs.
What I do not understand, Mrs Cadbury, is just why you decided, in all your God given wisdom, that you knew better than I what my children need know or not know about Easter. Why, Mrs. Cadbury, did you feel it was your God given right to explain to one almost 3 year old and two 4 and a 1/2 year olds that (in short) Jesus rose from the dead?
Did you not think that just maybe, this might be a little confusing for three small children whose father is dead? Particularly with their father's birthday coinciding with Good Friday this year?
When you explained to them that Jesus was dead but then God brought him back to life, did the thought occur to you that this may lead three small children to believe that their father who died might also be brought back to life by this wonderful God you keep telling them about?

Mrs. Cadbury, did you think AT ALL about what you were telling my Kewl girls? Or why I might have asked you to refrain from explaining death and resurrection to them?


I didn't think so.

But seeing as how you didn't mind telling the Kewl girls about your meaning of Easter anyway, you won't mind Mrs. Cadbury, if I send the three Kewl girls to you for comforting when they cannot understand why God will not bring their father back to life. You won't mind explaining to them that it's not that God doesn't love their father, it's just that.... Well, it's just that what, exactly?
And you won't mind explaining to one very determined 4 and a 1/2 year old, that she does not have to die so that her father will come back to life... Or to her distraught sister that God did not make her father die for her sins and she did not kill him by being naughty.

I know that you were only trying to give my children an appreciation and understanding of what Easter means to you, but Mrs. Cadbury, Easter means lots of different things to lots of different people. To some, it doesn't mean anything, and that's ok, too. To us, it was meant to be about celebrating family. It was meant to be a non event in our home, at least until the Kewl girls were old enough to understand it better.

Really, I think I have been very understanding, don't you, Mrs. Cadbury? So now you'll understand that your good intentions mean shit to me right now and consequently, you are not invited to our 12 o'clock worshipping of Hoppin' Jesus, the bunny who shits chocolate and promises not to kill or resurrect anyone.

Angry Mother.

*Name has been changed for the purpose of maximum personal insult.

Please note: This is not an attack on religion. Just an expression of anger and an observation that sometimes doing good in the name of God is NOT GOOD.

And we do not believe in, nor worship Hoppin' Jesus the Easter bunny who shits chocolate.

Please check back tomorrow for the return of calm blue oceans.

Pip... RAY!

Happy Birthday Daddy Kewl.

We love you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am in the softly falling snow.
I am in the gentle showers of rain,
I am in the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the gentle rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am in the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

~Mary Elizabeth Frye

Warrior Wednesday

"This is a moth and it is from Zy... And the sun is really Zy smiling a'cause we saw him!" ~Miss F

Dear Zy,
It's been a while since I've posted a Warrior Wednesday on the Kewl blog. It's not because we haven't had moments, or because I haven't been thinking about you. I spend lots of time thinking about you everyday...
But you already know that.

I haven't wanted to share you. I've wanted to keep you all to myself. Maybe because I was never able to do this when you were here - I was just your surrogate mum, your magic growing basket, your favourite aunt...
But I am starting to realise that none of that really matters to you. Especially not now.

I think I have been selfish. I have wanted to keep all of our moments held tightly against my chest, almost as if I am hoping that if I hold on tightly enough, I might just be able to feel you there...
But you are always there, you show me so everyday, and I am starting to expect your moments - your presence - instead of being surprised by it.

Darling Zy, please keep showing me your moments, and I promise I will keep seeing them.

Love from me.

Bless you indeed!

Miss V, "Mum, does sex give you a cold?"

Me, "No darling, why do you ask that?"

Miss V, "How come it makes you sneeze then?"

I would have made Mary Poppins answer, but she wet herself from laughing too hard.

Tell me again


"Yes Miss V?"

"Tell me the story of when daddy died?"

"In the morning, early early early, even before the sun was up, daddy started poking me in the ribs to wake me up. He poked, then he tickled, then he started jumping up and down like a frog on the bed to get my attention. When I was awake he lay down next to me and said, "Guess what? We're pregnant!!!" ... And he was right! You were a teeny tiny little baby growing in my tummy, and your daddy knew all about you..."

"Even before you told him.."

"That's right, even before I told him! After lunch daddy had to go to his deli to make some food and drink some coffee. He left in his car, then he came back again because he wanted to tell you how much he loved you, and he did that by rubbing my tummy. Then he left in his car again... Then he came back AGAIN to tell you he loved you even MORE!!! He left again and this time he called us on the phone as soon as he got to the deli to tell us all that he loved us all very very very very very very much. He called lots and lots and lots that day..."

"Every half an hour all afternoon..."

"... Every Half hour, all afternoon. On his way home, dad stopped at the shops to get some chocolate so that we could all celebrate our teeny tiny baby growing in my tummy. It was after J and F's bedtime and daddy knew that, so he called from the car to say please please please could we all get up again so we can have a Miss V party with him! He was so very happy and so very excited about his teeny tiny jelly baby."


"You, Miss V! There was another man driving home that night, too. He had made some bad choices that evening and his body wasn't very good at driving. The man wasn't paying enough attention and so he caused a car accident. He drove into daddy's car and there was a big crash. Cars are big and heavy and much tougher than people, so when they crashed together daddy's body got broken and stopped working..."

"... And that's when he died."

"Yes, that's when he died. But daddy is always always always so very excited about his teeny tiny baby V, he is always celebrating your life and all we have to do to celebrate with him is wake up and think of chocolate! And you know the very best bit, Miss V?"

"Daddy is happy because he knows that we know he loves us lots, and lots, and lots, and LOTS!"

"And lots and lots and lots!"



"Yes Miss V?"

"Tell me again?"

Bless you

Mary Poppins was having dinner with us last night and we were up to desert when she said, "This chocolate is orgasmic!" Naturally the girls asked what 'orgasmic' meant so she explained that it is from the word orgasm and left it at that, hoping that they would ask what orgasm meant. Of course, they asked, and MP said, "Ask your mother." I threatened MP with making sure she didn't get any 'chocolate' for a month if she didn't finish what she started, so she explained to the girls that an orgasm was something adults had from sex - kind of like a sneeze because there is a build up and a release, only it happens to your entire body.
So this morning at the coffee shop, when I sneezed, I really shouldn't have been so surprised when Miss J asked (on the top of her voice), "Did you just orgasm mum?