I haven't managed my emotions very well this week. Even less so today. In fact, I was so out of touch with reality today that I had an "I can't do it" moment.
I was standing at the sink making hot water bottles for the girls and I got lost in my own negativity.
First the animals - All the vet bills, the feed, the equipment, the risk they pose to the girls, to me, to themselves, the responsibility for all of those beings - Is it really worth it?
Then the property. There is so much upkeep here - the fences, the grass, the paddocks, the fast disappearing driveway, the tree branches, the gutters, the grey water system, the water pumps, the compost, the veggie patch - Am I getting sick of our home?
Next I moved on to work. Am I doing enough? I'd love to start a new project, but I already feel stretched enough as it is. Am I stretched too far, then? Do I actually achieve anything by doing bits and pieces, or am I doing bits and pieces of nothing? And money - I want everyone to be able to have music and drama and dance and self protection and horses as part of their lives. I want to do it all for free, but I can't - so where is the middle ground?
Then the girls. My precious girls. We had a shocking day today, and I made bad choices and had silly tantrums. Do they still know I love them? Will they always know I love them? Always and always and always, no matter what? They are my world and I love them with all my heart. But does this put pressure on them? What if they start to resent me?
And the decisions - far out - how is one person supposed to make decisions that will essentially make or break another's life? Just how do you decide what is best for 3 little lives, both as individuals and as a family? What if I get it wrong?! What would I do then, because I don't trust anyone else to make decisions for us. Is that arrogant?
I need to stop this.
But what if I can't?
It was at this point that Miss J came into the kitchen to inquire about the progress of her hot water bottle. I told her I was doing the best I could and she would have to wait, because "I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING!"
Oh good one, Al - Share the pain, why don't you? Way to go.
But Miss J just looked at me blankly and said, "I don't want everything. I want my hot water bottle and a kiss goodnight. You can do that, can't you mum."
I made some not so kewl choices this week. They were pretty unkewl actually.
On Saturday I felt a lump of grief swelling in my throat, but instead of releasing it I swallowed hard and tried to ignore it.
On Sunday I felt the tightness of grief in my chest, but instead of soothing it I stopped breathing properly and tried to ignore it.
Yesterday I felt the knots of grief in my stomach, but instead of undoing them I clenched my fists and made more of them while I tried to ignore it.
Tonight I can't ignore it any more, and I wish that I had let it out on Saturday because tonight I have the lump, the tightness and the knots to get through.
Oh yeah - I mismanaged my emotions BIG TIME this week, and I let them get the better of me today.
Tomorrow is a new day though, and tonight I think I can at least manage a hot water bottle and a good night kiss.