Dear Zy,
I met a brand new baby this week. Her name is Tahlia, and she is your cousin on your dad's side.

Darling Zy, when I held your cousin for the first time I had these awful stabbing pains in my chest. It was mainly grief, but then, for just a moment, I think there was envy. I think I had Baby Envy.

When you were born your body was not strong enough to work on it's own, so the doctors used lots of machines to keep it going for you. Then there were the tests - test after test after test after test - sometimes to monitor something, other times looking for something new, or something different, something that wasn't supposed to be there or something else that was missing.
You must have known the touch of plastic and steel better than the touch of the people who loved you.

For 24 hours you fought, your tiny body being pumped and poked and pricked and prodded, physically holding on by a thread but spiritually growing stronger and brighter with each passing moment.
Oh Zy, the whole time you were here all I wanted to do was hold you - but all I could do was watch.

It wasn't until I had to let you go, that I could finally hold you. As your body grew weaker, the doctors said it was time to leave you be - to stop pumping and poking and pricking and prodding - time to let you go. You were freed from the tangle of tubes and wires and released from the incubator that separated us for almost your lifetime, and as I held you to my heart, in the same moment, it was time to let you go.

Darling Zy, when I held your new born cousin and felt that stabbing pain in my chest, I don't think it was just any kind of baby envy that flickered across my heart.
Because I don't want to have just any baby, or hold just any baby.

I want you.

I want our happy ending.

Do you think that maybe, with enough time, I will see that we already have our happy ending? That it is just my perspective - my thoughts - that make it sad?
I hope so... Because you deserve a happy ending, Baby Warrior. We both do.

I guess it is just up to me to see it.


Dina said...

So sad : (

I thought I was going to have a miscarriage with Jack. There's that attitude of don't-worry-you-can-have-another. But I felt I don't want another baby. I want THIS baby.

I felt so much sorrow and fear...and that was just a few weeks into pregnancy.

I can't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if I lost a baby after a pregnancy and after actually meeting the baby.

I hope you and little Zy find each other again.

I'm not sure if there can be a happy ending when a mother loses her child. Maybe there can be peace though. Acceptance?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mama Zen said...

You have more strength than I can even begin to imagine, and this is sad and gorgeous beyond words.

Megan from Imaginif said...

Al....he has his happy ending and he has his happy space. Your ending is a different happy and effects many more people. Your end is not yet but your happy space is. Zy is fine, M is fine, you will be fine when you realise that they also want you to be fine - that is when your heart will sing again and you will all be happy together.

Have you seen this powerful Abraham Hicks video on death and grieving: "From Grief to Joy: Moving Up the Emotional Scale" http://www.lawofattractioninteraction.com/GTJ_excerpt_for_You.html

Blossom said...

gentle hugs........

Another loss mum once said..."Its not about finding answers.......its about learning to live with the questions."

more hugs

Alison said...

Dina - Thanks so much for your comment and sharing some of your story with Jack. There was much to deal with during the pregnancy with Zy. He certainly proved himself a warrior baby from the beginning.
I am glad you and Jack found happiness in your journey. :-)

Mama Zen - It's the chocolate that does it!! I like that you find that sad AND gorgeous. It's the gorgeous bits I'd like to see more of.

Megan - LOVE LOVE LOVE that video. Thank you - for your words, too.

Blossom - Thanks for the hugs. Interesting quote. I am going to think on this a bit longer :-)

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Al, I don't know what to say (hugs).

There is a song called Somewhere down the road ...

in my dreams we are both traveling on this road and one day I hope we get the answers to the why, why, why !

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Al, I wanted to say too I have felt this same pain holding another baby (or even seeing one)not long after I lost Charlotte.
It isn't envy Al, it's our deep sense of loss that reminds us of what we are missing and what can never be.

Anonymous said...

You inspire me chik.. luv abz

Lin said...

Hugs Al.

Alison said...

Trish - Thanks for your supportive words. The pain - missing what can never be - I think maybe healing is in learning to love what is.

Abbey - Right back at you honey. xx

Lin - Thanks :-)

M+B said...

Holding a new baby is so very couragious, and probably one of the biggest leaps to take on this journey.

Your post took me back to the first time I was able to hold my niece, who was born the week after Kai (she was over a month old by the time I could bring myself to hold her), so I know what strength you mustered up to hold Zy's cousin. Well Done You xoxox

Alison said...

Thanks so much for your comment Lani. It means a lot to know that someone else understands :-)