Bang Bang - Your Spirit is Eternal

At the park today...

A boy comes running out from behind the slide with his hand aimed at Miss F, gun style, and yells,

"Bang! Bang! You're dead!"

Miss F looks up and replies calmly,

"No, you can't kill me - My spirit is eternal."

Confused, the boy says,

"That's not how you play. You're supposed to run away or I'll shoot you."

Miss F stands tall, and from the same calm space, she replies once more,

"I'm not scared of you. And I'm not scared of dieing."

For most of the girls' lives, Daddy Kewl has been with us only 'in spirit'. To us, this means that even though we talk to him often, we feel him close to us and we look out for signs from him, telling us the he loves us and he is here - He will only ever be here in spirit, because he died, and that means that he doesn't have a body any more.
Last year the girls' surrogate baby brother died, too, and even though we talk to him, feel him close to us, and look out for signs from him telling us that he loves us and he is here - He will only ever be here in spirit, just like Daddy Kewl.

Having two people very close to them 'in spirit' has effected the Kewl girls. There are many ways to think about this, depending on your beliefes, but I believe it has heightened their sense of spiritual 'connectedness'.

Sometimes this is hard and confusing, and it causes them deep pain. These are the times when I wish that the girls didn't have so much death in their life experience. I wish that they didn't have to be so aware or have such a developed understanding of what 'in spirit' means (to us). It's also at these times when I start to question whether or not I am doing the right thing by explaining my beliefes to them. Sometimes I even start to wonder whether they would be better off believing that when you're dead, you're dead. That's it. Lights out. All over.

Then there are the times, like today, that tell me we are on the right track. Times when I feel reassured and in a sense relieved, that I am doing the right thing. Times when I think that we are incredibly blessed to have the spiritual knowledge, understanding and life experience that we do. After all, we have some pretty magical moments thanks to our connections 'in spirit' - and even though it's not the same as sharing our lives with the living, breathing, physical beings that we miss so dearly - it is far, far better than not sharing anything at all.

Today has reminded me to trust myself a little more - to keep following what feels right and trust that I know what is right for my girls, too.
It has also made me quietly proud that in all the trauma and heart ache of Daddy Kewl and Baby Warrior dieing - Miss F stands tall - Calm and unafraid, with the knowledge that her spirit is eternal.


Blossom said...

what a wonderful job you are doing with your girls.

lots of hugs

Anonymous said...

Love those kewl girls :)

Mama Zen said...

What an amazing job you are doing! Don't doubt yourself for a minute.

M+B said...

I think you are doing an awesome job, and as Mama Zen said - Don't doubt yourself for a minute xoxox

k said...

Amazing.... you are growing an amazing family, amazing children, with amazing hearts, minds and souls. Don't ever doubt that

PlanningQueen said...

Definitely trust yourself Alison. That is a stunning response from a child.

Mountaingirl said...

Oh how I admire the Kewls! The maturity and connectedness of the girls, the quiet determination, passion and wisdom of Momma Kewl and then the growing combination of all three - the sum is greater than the parts.

Momma Kewl you are the coolest - not only have you experienced the same losses as the girls but you have had to help them as well as deal with your own pain. Your loving and nurturing soul is evident to all.

It seems to me that every parent has moments of doubt as to whether they could do better for their children but one only needs to look over the blog to know that your girls are receiving the best - and it is showing through their words and deeds more and more.

It would be a different world if we could spare those around us from pain and hurt but being that isn't always possible - it is how we deal with it. I echo everyone else - you are doing an awesome job with awesome girls. And that is all that counts.