I haven't managed my emotions very well this week. Even less so today. In fact, I was so out of touch with reality today that I had an "I can't do it" moment.
I was standing at the sink making hot water bottles for the girls and I got lost in my own negativity.
First the animals - All the vet bills, the feed, the equipment, the risk they pose to the girls, to me, to themselves, the responsibility for all of those beings - Is it really worth it?
Then the property. There is so much upkeep here - the fences, the grass, the paddocks, the fast disappearing driveway, the tree branches, the gutters, the grey water system, the water pumps, the compost, the veggie patch - Am I getting sick of our home?
Next I moved on to work. Am I doing enough? I'd love to start a new project, but I already feel stretched enough as it is. Am I stretched too far, then? Do I actually achieve anything by doing bits and pieces, or am I doing bits and pieces of nothing? And money - I want everyone to be able to have music and drama and dance and self protection and horses as part of their lives. I want to do it all for free, but I can't - so where is the middle ground?
Then the girls. My precious girls. We had a shocking day today, and I made bad choices and had silly tantrums. Do they still know I love them? Will they always know I love them? Always and always and always, no matter what? They are my world and I love them with all my heart. But does this put pressure on them? What if they start to resent me?
And the decisions - far out - how is one person supposed to make decisions that will essentially make or break another's life? Just how do you decide what is best for 3 little lives, both as individuals and as a family? What if I get it wrong?! What would I do then, because I don't trust anyone else to make decisions for us. Is that arrogant?
I need to stop this.
But what if I can't?
It was at this point that Miss J came into the kitchen to inquire about the progress of her hot water bottle. I told her I was doing the best I could and she would have to wait, because "I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING!"
Oh good one, Al - Share the pain, why don't you? Way to go.
But Miss J just looked at me blankly and said, "I don't want everything. I want my hot water bottle and a kiss goodnight. You can do that, can't you mum."
I made some not so kewl choices this week. They were pretty unkewl actually.
On Saturday I felt a lump of grief swelling in my throat, but instead of releasing it I swallowed hard and tried to ignore it.
On Sunday I felt the tightness of grief in my chest, but instead of soothing it I stopped breathing properly and tried to ignore it.
Yesterday I felt the knots of grief in my stomach, but instead of undoing them I clenched my fists and made more of them while I tried to ignore it.
Tonight I can't ignore it any more, and I wish that I had let it out on Saturday because tonight I have the lump, the tightness and the knots to get through.
Oh yeah - I mismanaged my emotions BIG TIME this week, and I let them get the better of me today.
Tomorrow is a new day though, and tonight I think I can at least manage a hot water bottle and a good night kiss.
Childhood Hero Day
Friday June 13th is Childhood Hero Day - Have you got your capes yet?
Childhood Hero day is more than the perfect excuse to dress up though - It is an opportunity to raise money for the Australian Childhood Foundation so that they can keep supporting kids who have been abused and their families, too.
Even better than this - It is an opportunity to raise awareness! An opportunity to speak up and promote a zero tolerance attitude towards child abuse in your community.
Possibly the best part about Childhood Hero Day, is the opportunity we all have to celebrate being hero's and to flex our superhero muscles - Listening, believing, caring and taking action to protect our kids.
So how are you going to celebrate your superhero powers and show off a bit of muscle?
Megan over at Imaginif is flying high with her cape, her awesome child protection blog and the other superhero's at Imaginif. As well as a corporate donation, Megan is donating $1 for every blog post in support of Childhood Hero day. How kewl is that?! (*hint hint*)
Over on this side of the screen the kewl girls and I will be flying around our community hall, sprinkling superhero dust over as many people as we can, playing superhero games, eating superhero food (cake, of course), having oodles of fun and raising lots of money for the Australian Childhood Foundation in the process.
(AND I'm going to wear my undies on the outside - Because I can, and because Miss F is still too young to refuse to be seen in public with me.)
As always, here on the kewl blog we will be celebrating the moments.
Lots of the things I blog about are moments where my children are little hero's... Moments when they are being their most inspired, humorous, ridiculous, outrageous, wise, intuitive, blatantly obvious and innocent little selves.
The kewl girls regularly flip the parent / child roles upside down and I have a huge amount of respect and gratitude for my three amazing young teachers.
These moments, though, are just that - momentary.
While I will always celebrate the lessons I learn and the wisdom of my children - I will never forget that being the hero is my responsibility, always.
On June 13th I am celebrating my own wisdom, the wisdom of other superhero's and the collective power we have to kick monster butt and make child safety everyone's priority.
What are you celebrating?
Childhood Hero day is more than the perfect excuse to dress up though - It is an opportunity to raise money for the Australian Childhood Foundation so that they can keep supporting kids who have been abused and their families, too.
Even better than this - It is an opportunity to raise awareness! An opportunity to speak up and promote a zero tolerance attitude towards child abuse in your community.
Possibly the best part about Childhood Hero Day, is the opportunity we all have to celebrate being hero's and to flex our superhero muscles - Listening, believing, caring and taking action to protect our kids.
So how are you going to celebrate your superhero powers and show off a bit of muscle?
Megan over at Imaginif is flying high with her cape, her awesome child protection blog and the other superhero's at Imaginif. As well as a corporate donation, Megan is donating $1 for every blog post in support of Childhood Hero day. How kewl is that?! (*hint hint*)
Over on this side of the screen the kewl girls and I will be flying around our community hall, sprinkling superhero dust over as many people as we can, playing superhero games, eating superhero food (cake, of course), having oodles of fun and raising lots of money for the Australian Childhood Foundation in the process.
(AND I'm going to wear my undies on the outside - Because I can, and because Miss F is still too young to refuse to be seen in public with me.)
As always, here on the kewl blog we will be celebrating the moments.
Lots of the things I blog about are moments where my children are little hero's... Moments when they are being their most inspired, humorous, ridiculous, outrageous, wise, intuitive, blatantly obvious and innocent little selves.
The kewl girls regularly flip the parent / child roles upside down and I have a huge amount of respect and gratitude for my three amazing young teachers.
These moments, though, are just that - momentary.
While I will always celebrate the lessons I learn and the wisdom of my children - I will never forget that being the hero is my responsibility, always.
On June 13th I am celebrating my own wisdom, the wisdom of other superhero's and the collective power we have to kick monster butt and make child safety everyone's priority.
What are you celebrating?
Inside day #4
Yes, I'm posting about the weather.
That is how nutty I go when we have to stay inside all day.
It has been raining here since Friday, and today it is pouring. The road out of town is flooded, as is our drive way and most of the back paddocks. This means the horses have to share a room, and they are not impressed.
It also means we have to stay inside and share our toys.
We are not impressed either.
But as always, the kewl girls are reminding me to change my perspective and make the most of things.
This morning Miss J helped Miss V gather up all the dishes they could find- cups, plates, bowls, cutlery- and put them outside in the rain. Miss J was very please with herself when she told me I wouldn't have to do any washing up today, and Miss V was grinning from ear to ear when she informed me the dishes were: "Cleaning their selves now!".
Then Miss F went outside to check on the bucket we placed in the rain, to see how quickly it would fill up. She called to me, "Look Al! It's raining sideways!"
This was shortly followed by, "Quick! Get the camera!"
Then from mum, "How else could you ask for something?"
Miss F, "Get the camera now!"
Mum, "Or how could you ask so that I might like to do that for you?"
Miss F, "Oh - Quickly get the camera now - please mummy, I love you?"
Bingo!
The down pipe (guessing on the terminology here) has a hole near the bottom so that it doesn't explode when we get heavy rain, and this makes it rain sideways when there is enough water pressure. It looks very kewl - Or in the eyes of Miss F- Very photo worthy.
She was getting awfully close to this 'sidepour' of rain in order to best capture the moment, and I admit, I was more concerned for the dryness of my camera than for the dryness of my daughter.
I asked her, "Is there any water getting on the camera, darling 'I love you' Miss F?"
She said, "Of course not mum."
Phew.
"There is rain getting on the camera."
Duh.
Lunchtime on Inside day #4:
Kewl girls = 53
Mum = 0
Not that I'm counting...
That is how nutty I go when we have to stay inside all day.
It has been raining here since Friday, and today it is pouring. The road out of town is flooded, as is our drive way and most of the back paddocks. This means the horses have to share a room, and they are not impressed.
It also means we have to stay inside and share our toys.
We are not impressed either.
But as always, the kewl girls are reminding me to change my perspective and make the most of things.
This morning Miss J helped Miss V gather up all the dishes they could find- cups, plates, bowls, cutlery- and put them outside in the rain. Miss J was very please with herself when she told me I wouldn't have to do any washing up today, and Miss V was grinning from ear to ear when she informed me the dishes were: "Cleaning their selves now!".
Then Miss F went outside to check on the bucket we placed in the rain, to see how quickly it would fill up. She called to me, "Look Al! It's raining sideways!"
This was shortly followed by, "Quick! Get the camera!"
Then from mum, "How else could you ask for something?"
Miss F, "Get the camera now!"
Mum, "Or how could you ask so that I might like to do that for you?"
Miss F, "Oh - Quickly get the camera now - please mummy, I love you?"
Bingo!
The down pipe (guessing on the terminology here) has a hole near the bottom so that it doesn't explode when we get heavy rain, and this makes it rain sideways when there is enough water pressure. It looks very kewl - Or in the eyes of Miss F- Very photo worthy.
She was getting awfully close to this 'sidepour' of rain in order to best capture the moment, and I admit, I was more concerned for the dryness of my camera than for the dryness of my daughter.
I asked her, "Is there any water getting on the camera, darling 'I love you' Miss F?"
She said, "Of course not mum."
Phew.
"There is rain getting on the camera."
Duh.
Lunchtime on Inside day #4:
Kewl girls = 53
Mum = 0
Not that I'm counting...
Inspiration
It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. I nearly didn't, but I'm glad that I did.
My inspiration has come from two places today. First, my darling Miss F. She came into my room, all dressed up and ready for a party, took my hand and pulled. She said five words that completely changed the direction of my day.
"Come on mum! Let's dance!"
So we went outside and we danced.
My second source of inspiration came from above. Quite literally.
As I went to get a book off the shelf, another book slid out beside it. This other book (A common prayer, by Michael Leunig) toppled off the shelf, thwacked me on the head, then fell to the floor, where it lay open at this page:
Dear God,
Give comfort and peace to those who are separated from loved ones. May the ache in their hearts be the strengthening of their hearts.
May their longing bring resolve to their lives, conviction and purity to their love. Teach them to embrace their sadness lest it turn into despair. Transform their yearning into wisdom. Let their hearts grow fonder.
Amen
Amen
My inspiration has come from two places today. First, my darling Miss F. She came into my room, all dressed up and ready for a party, took my hand and pulled. She said five words that completely changed the direction of my day.
"Come on mum! Let's dance!"
So we went outside and we danced.
My second source of inspiration came from above. Quite literally.
As I went to get a book off the shelf, another book slid out beside it. This other book (A common prayer, by Michael Leunig) toppled off the shelf, thwacked me on the head, then fell to the floor, where it lay open at this page:
Dear God,
Give comfort and peace to those who are separated from loved ones. May the ache in their hearts be the strengthening of their hearts.
May their longing bring resolve to their lives, conviction and purity to their love. Teach them to embrace their sadness lest it turn into despair. Transform their yearning into wisdom. Let their hearts grow fonder.
Amen
Amen
The real reason you should learn to bite your tongue
Miss J had the hiccups tonight. It was after bed time when she came out to the lounge, hiccuping away. She sat down on my lap and looked at me, oh so seriously, then she asked,
"Mum?" *hicc* "Why is my tongue..." *hicc* "... Trying to run away?" *hicc*
"Mum?" *hicc* "Why is my tongue..." *hicc* "... Trying to run away?" *hicc*
Get Angry
I'm having a moment. Not a love light and bliss one, either.
Today I read this post over at Magneto Bold Too.
I noticed the way people were reacting - with sadness - and this started me thinking about my own emotional reaction to speeding and drink driving, and about the overall effectiveness of these ad campaigns.
Losing M - That makes me sad. But speeding and drink driving - That makes me angry.
I find this distinction is very important.
From the almighty Wikipedia:
Sadness is a mood characterised by feelings of disadvantage loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic and withdrawn.
Anger is an emotional state that may range from minor irritation to intense rage. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view Anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of pain. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force.
Most of the campaigns that I've seen are very emotive in nature. They go for shock value. They make people cry. They make people feel sad.
This doesn't make sense to me.
When people think of speeding and drink driving I don't want them to feel sad and helpless, or to become quite, less energetic and withdrawn.
I would rather evoke in people an emotion which “becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force.”
I'm not saying that losing a loved one isn't sad. It is devastating and gut wrenching and tragic and horrible and painful beyond belief.
But doesn't sadness seem like a less effective emotion when it comes to preventing speeding and drink driving?
People who have seen these ad campaigns and been affected by them, they might make a better choice. They might remember the tears shed by grieving families, the tears they shed themselves when they saw those images, and that might be enough to change their minds. Certainly this is a win.
But what about those people who didn't feel that same punch in the guts? Those who are too invincible, too tough, or too smart? Will the people around them be too sad, too helpless, too quiet and too withdrawn to speak up?
M was killed by a drink driver doing twice the speed limit. The driver was speeding to get home in time for their favourite television program.
M was on his way home to celebrate our pregnancy. He was not speeding. He was not drunk. He was killed instantly.
His death is sad, and I grieve for him every day.
But drink driving and speeding don't make me sad, they make me angry.
That driver lived, and he too suffers every day. I know this because I speak to him at least once a month. I am not angry with that driver any more, because we are both healing and because he is now consciously making different choices. He is making good choices.
There are still people out there making bad choices, though.
People choosing to speed.
People choosing to drink and drive.
People choosing to kill.
This makes me angry.
I am all for freedom of choice. If people want to choose to get in the car drunk, go too fast and risk their lives, then power to them.
But that choice doesn't just put their own lives at risk. It puts our lives at risk, too.
This should make us angry!
So yes, be sad for the lives lost and for the families and friends who are grieving - But if you're going to be emotional about speeding and drink driving, don't be sad - Be angry.
Don't be silent and withdrawn - Be loud and be outspoken!
Don't be less energetic - Take action!
Speeding and drink driving are threatening behaviours, from an outside force, and it is time to make a conscious choice to stop it.
Today I read this post over at Magneto Bold Too.
I noticed the way people were reacting - with sadness - and this started me thinking about my own emotional reaction to speeding and drink driving, and about the overall effectiveness of these ad campaigns.
Losing M - That makes me sad. But speeding and drink driving - That makes me angry.
I find this distinction is very important.
From the almighty Wikipedia:
Sadness is a mood characterised by feelings of disadvantage loss, and helplessness. When sad, people often become quiet, less energetic and withdrawn.
Anger is an emotional state that may range from minor irritation to intense rage. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view Anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of pain. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force.
Most of the campaigns that I've seen are very emotive in nature. They go for shock value. They make people cry. They make people feel sad.
This doesn't make sense to me.
When people think of speeding and drink driving I don't want them to feel sad and helpless, or to become quite, less energetic and withdrawn.
I would rather evoke in people an emotion which “becomes the predominant feeling behaviourally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behaviour of another outside force.”
I'm not saying that losing a loved one isn't sad. It is devastating and gut wrenching and tragic and horrible and painful beyond belief.
But doesn't sadness seem like a less effective emotion when it comes to preventing speeding and drink driving?
People who have seen these ad campaigns and been affected by them, they might make a better choice. They might remember the tears shed by grieving families, the tears they shed themselves when they saw those images, and that might be enough to change their minds. Certainly this is a win.
But what about those people who didn't feel that same punch in the guts? Those who are too invincible, too tough, or too smart? Will the people around them be too sad, too helpless, too quiet and too withdrawn to speak up?
M was killed by a drink driver doing twice the speed limit. The driver was speeding to get home in time for their favourite television program.
M was on his way home to celebrate our pregnancy. He was not speeding. He was not drunk. He was killed instantly.
His death is sad, and I grieve for him every day.
But drink driving and speeding don't make me sad, they make me angry.
That driver lived, and he too suffers every day. I know this because I speak to him at least once a month. I am not angry with that driver any more, because we are both healing and because he is now consciously making different choices. He is making good choices.
There are still people out there making bad choices, though.
People choosing to speed.
People choosing to drink and drive.
People choosing to kill.
This makes me angry.
I am all for freedom of choice. If people want to choose to get in the car drunk, go too fast and risk their lives, then power to them.
But that choice doesn't just put their own lives at risk. It puts our lives at risk, too.
This should make us angry!
So yes, be sad for the lives lost and for the families and friends who are grieving - But if you're going to be emotional about speeding and drink driving, don't be sad - Be angry.
Don't be silent and withdrawn - Be loud and be outspoken!
Don't be less energetic - Take action!
Speeding and drink driving are threatening behaviours, from an outside force, and it is time to make a conscious choice to stop it.
The fine art of feeding
I've been breastfeeding for a while now. I nursed Miss F and Miss J until they weaned themselves when I was around 6 months pregnant with their sister. Then Miss V arrived and she has been nursing for two years. My point being - I think it's safe to say that by now, we have it down to a pretty fine art.
So, imagine my confusion when tonight, instead of latching on properly, Miss V missed her mark. She missed her mark by a lot. I looked down at her sucking away happily, seemingly oblivious to the fact she was a good distance away from her target.
Then she looked at me and said, "Yum. Chocolate."
Umm.. Note to self: Chocolate goes IN mouth. Not down top.
So, imagine my confusion when tonight, instead of latching on properly, Miss V missed her mark. She missed her mark by a lot. I looked down at her sucking away happily, seemingly oblivious to the fact she was a good distance away from her target.
Then she looked at me and said, "Yum. Chocolate."
Umm.. Note to self: Chocolate goes IN mouth. Not down top.
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