Dear Zy,
My words are caught again this week - I can't seem to get them out past the lump in my throat. All of the things I would usually do to ease the lump... Eat some chocolate, refocus on something positive, eat some chocolate, have a cry and then move on, eat some chocolate... They aren't working. And I think I know why.
Baby Warrior, I think I want the lump in my throat.
I think that in a strange way, I find it comforting.
When you were growing in my tummy we discovered you had a lump in your throat, too. It was stopping you from swallowing amniotic fluid properly and so it was building up in your floaty water bed (and making my belly HUGE!). The lump, among other things, made it hard for you to stay in my tummy and hard for your body to cope after you were born. The doctors called it an 'abnormality' and could only see what was wrong about it - but I just saw it as one of your quirks.
Now you are gone and I won't get a chance to know or love any of your quirks. I wonder what they would have been.. How they would have made us laugh.. What they would have taught us.. Which ones would have driven us nuts.. And which ones would stay close to our hearts forever.
Darling Zy, sometimes all the wondering turns into longing, and my heart grows heavy for all of the things I won't get to know about you. Those are the times when the lump in my throat becomes the closest thing I have to one of your quirks, and I don't want to let it go.
Maybe I should find some other kind of comfort, but I think that's something that will come in time. For now, do you mind if I hang onto the lump for us? I promise not to let it interfere with living or loving, just like you didn't.
Love me.
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- I'm Alison, and my three most important little people are Miss J, twin sister of Miss F - both 4 going on 14 and big sisters to Miss V - who is an impressive 3 years old and anything but the 'baby' of the family.
No doubt I will find it impossible to stick to one theme for this blog, so here is some background info that will hopefully add some sense the inevitable random posts...
The man of our family, M, is no longer with us in body though he is ever present in mind and spirit.
I used to be active in the performing arts 'scene' - Less so now as my girls take centre stage. Creativity is still a huge part of life, though being directed by three toddlers the art form is somewhat different.
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I guess one theme I CAN stick to is that last point - having fun. Living a joyful life is the greatest success, I feel.
6 comments:
Totally understandable.
be gentle with yourself......
sweet hugs to you and Zy.
Take your comfort where ever you can, darling heart. What you shared with Zy is yours and your alone. Equally, the loss is yours alone.
If feeling the lump in your throat lets you feel closer to him, I am sure he doesn't mind. Maybe the lump is really just Zy using your vocal chords to say hello.
Or maybe he is asking for more chocolate!
(Better have some, just to be safe)
When Willim was in the NIC, Al, and I went home to tell the girls that he was going to die. I went to bed and my stomah felt so wierd, heavy, bloated. I woke up so many times that night, I told David there was something wrong. I felt so conected to his little spirit. They phoned at about 3am to tell us his stomach was filling with fluid because he was shutting down.
Hang onto him however you see fit. There is always a connection.
Gentle hugs, my friend.
(hugs) your words send shivers up my spine ...precious Zy is making his presence felt.
Zy is so blessed to have your love all around him.
Zy is making his presence felt, as Trish said. Even the babies we have lost stick with us in different ways. And why shouldn't they? We are their mothers no matter what.
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