My words are caught again this week - I can't seem to get them out past the lump in my throat. All of the things I would usually do to ease the lump... Eat some chocolate, refocus on something positive, eat some chocolate, have a cry and then move on, eat some chocolate... They aren't working. And I think I know why.
Baby Warrior, I think I want the lump in my throat.
I think that in a strange way, I find it comforting.
When you were growing in my tummy we discovered you had a lump in your throat, too. It was stopping you from swallowing amniotic fluid properly and so it was building up in your floaty water bed (and making my belly HUGE!). The lump, among other things, made it hard for you to stay in my tummy and hard for your body to cope after you were born. The doctors called it an 'abnormality' and could only see what was wrong about it - but I just saw it as one of your quirks.
Now you are gone and I won't get a chance to know or love any of your quirks. I wonder what they would have been.. How they would have made us laugh.. What they would have taught us.. Which ones would have driven us nuts.. And which ones would stay close to our hearts forever.
Darling Zy, sometimes all the wondering turns into longing, and my heart grows heavy for all of the things I won't get to know about you. Those are the times when the lump in my throat becomes the closest thing I have to one of your quirks, and I don't want to let it go.
Maybe I should find some other kind of comfort, but I think that's something that will come in time. For now, do you mind if I hang onto the lump for us? I promise not to let it interfere with living or loving, just like you didn't.