Warrior Wednesday on Tuesday

Dear Zy,

The last couple of weeks have been tough. I didn't expect Mother's Day to bother me - because I don't really believe in it anyway - but it did bother me. It was tough.
I have been thinking a lot about your other mum and that is tough, too.
Also, your surrogate sisters' cousin is sick and I am finding it super tough to watch a sick child and feel that kind of soul crushing helplessness that I felt when you were born.

Baby Warrior, tomorrow is your surrogate sister V's birthday. She will be a very impressive three years old!! She is super excited - as she should be - but I have even been finding that tough. I have been getting lost in thoughts of your birthday - your physical birth, then your spiritual birth (or physical death) just 26 short hours later. I've been lost in thoughts of your future birthdays that I will only be able to celebrate with you in spirit. Then when my grief for you threatened to sink me, I switched to grief thoughts about Daddy Kewl - about him missing Miss V's birth, and her 1st birthday, and her 2nd birthday, and now her 3rd birthday, too.

Oh Zy - if "stinking thinking" were a literal term, I think we would all need gas masks by now!!!

With Miss V's birthday now only one sleep away, today I had a new thought. It blew threw my head like a breath of fresh air.... What a waste of life it would have been to spend your birthday - your one day with us - sad and depressed and lost in stinking grief thoughts.
There were many things I wanted to give you, but couldn't. Love most certainly was not one of them. Your day wasn't wasted, Baby Warrior. It was filled with love, strength and inspiration.

I don't want to be sad tomorrow. I don't want to spend Miss V's one and only 3rd birthday thinking crappy grief thoughts. I want her day to be filled with love, strength and inspiration. Just like your day.

I want our lifetimes to be filled with love, strength and inspiration.
Just like yours.

Darling Zy, I am sorry for wasting so many days - so many lifetimes - being sad and miserable and depressed. I lost perspective for a moment and almost choked on my own stinking thought gas - but I've had the blast of fresh air I needed to catch my breath, and I am so ready to embrace it.

Thank you, Baby Warrior, for your love, your strength and your inspiration.

Love me.

3 comments:

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Happy 3rd Birthday to Miss V and happy birthing Day to you Al.
I hope you all have a fabulous day.
...It is about finding a balance remembering the joy baby Zy gave you importantly cannot shadow the sadness of everything else .
beautiful thoughts (hugs)

Dina said...

I agree with Trish--it's about finding a balance. And I think you've done that. It's okay to feel sad sometimes...even REALLY sad. But then you pick yourself up again and remember the happy stuff.

M+B said...

Big Hug for you :)

Happy 3rd Birthday Little Miss V xoxox