Miss V has been asking about you a lot this week. First she wanted to hear the story of how you were made... Then she wanted to hear the stories of when you were in my tummy and how you ate, how you breathed, and how you kicked me from the inside! Next she asked about how you were born and how it was different from how her and her sisters were born. She did lots of looking at and patting the line right down low on my tummy that marks the place where you came out... She even drew a line on her own tummy so she could give birth to her doll, just like how you were born.
Darling Zy, part of me knew what would come next - but I still was not ready when your surrogate sister asked to hear about when you died.
I told her that I needed time to think about how to tell this story - and think about it is almost all I have been doing! After Daddy Kewl died I had over three years to think before it was time to tell that story, and I think that with you - with Miss V's question - I have been trying to cram three years worth of thoughts into the last three days!!! It certainly feels like it.
So just how do I tell your story, Baby Warrior???
I could stick to the facts - but Miss V already knows the facts and she doesn't want to hear the medical version of how you died, she wants a story.
I could tell her the Magic Sugar Puff Cloud story - but she has heard this already and it is too far in the other direction, too much story and not enough fact.
So I just need to find the middle ground - Facts and sugar puffs, right?
It sounds so easy when I put it like that...
So why are no words coming?
Oh Zy, I so want to share you - I want to share every tiny magical detail of you - but I don't think I am ready to share this story. I don't think I have found my own middle ground yet, between saying goodbye to your body and hello to you in spirit. I just love the moments we continue to share with you and although most of me knows that these aren't going to go away, I don't want to tell a goodbye story yet. I don't want to say goodbye to you again.
A little more time, a little more love and a little less fear - then maybe I will be closer to my middle ground and closer to telling this part of your story.
Until then, thank you for popping your head up to say hello.
Hello back, my darling sugar puff cloud.
I see you.