Dear Zy,
I'm so sorry.
I rang your dad today and asked him to take your cat back.
And I am so sorry.
This morning your cat stood at the door and began meowing to be let in. Instantly I felt a maternal tugging of my heart strings, and my boobs started leaking again. I let your cat in and went to get changed, but I had no clean clothes left. So of course, I burst into tears.
When I calmed down a little, I realised that I hadn't just run out of clothes - I'd run out of energy.
I can't keep leaking milky tears for you and be OK with it. I can't keep feeling that maternal tug and not be pulled back into immense grief for you. I can't hear you cry, and not be able to hold you.
I just can't do it any more.
And I am so sorry.
I support the Teddy Tour .com
Breaking the silence surrounding childhood sexual assault
Daddy Kewl
Four years gone, but ever present in mind and spirit
For Zy, Our Warrior
The story of a surrogate pregnancy and our Warrior Baby, Zy.
One Second
It only takes one second to save a life. When it's up to you, will you make your second count?
About Me
- Alison
- I'm Alison, and my three most important little people are Miss J, twin sister of Miss F - both 4 going on 14 and big sisters to Miss V - who is an impressive 3 years old and anything but the 'baby' of the family.
No doubt I will find it impossible to stick to one theme for this blog, so here is some background info that will hopefully add some sense the inevitable random posts...
The man of our family, M, is no longer with us in body though he is ever present in mind and spirit.
I used to be active in the performing arts 'scene' - Less so now as my girls take centre stage. Creativity is still a huge part of life, though being directed by three toddlers the art form is somewhat different.
I'm always passionate about dramatic arts and creative expression, especially as a tool for inclusion... Bringing me to my next point of focus - Awareness and acceptance of people with diverse abilities. I work with people of all abilities doing anything from playing drama games, making music, talking, teaching, learning and always having fun.
I guess one theme I CAN stick to is that last point - having fun. Living a joyful life is the greatest success, I feel.
7 comments:
hon,
you need to look after you too you know.......
be gentle with yourself.
sending gentle hugs
That made me cry. Thinking of you.
Passes the tissues and hugs... I hope today was better and tomorrow better still.
The grief creeps up on you some days.Thinking of you and Zy.
Wishing you a little more peace as each day passes. x
I hope this overwhelming grief passes soon xoxox
Oh sweetie... so sorry it's so hard for you. I guess it was never going to be easy, but when one's body keeps reminding us of terrible grief... well that just ain't fair.
As Blossom said, be gentle with yourself. You have been amazing for everyone else. There is nothing wrong with seeking peace from grief... we are all sending gentle hugs from Granite Glen.
♥
BB
Blossom - Thank you for all of the support you offer. You're a gem :-)
PQ - I really hope something else here makes you laugh then! Thanks for the thoughts :-)
Trish - We're getting there. Zy's cat is still here and I am still leaking. The grief sits just below the surface, but I think I'm getting used to it again.
Rhubarb - Thanks! :-)
M+B - It comes and goes, but then I guess it always will.
BB - It's a bit hard to take sometimes, but then I think I'd find it even more difficult if I didn't have so many reminders of my warrior baby. Thanks for the hugs :-)
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