Zy's cat

Dear Zy,

I'm so sorry.

I rang your dad today and asked him to take your cat back.

And I am so sorry.

This morning your cat stood at the door and began meowing to be let in. Instantly I felt a maternal tugging of my heart strings, and my boobs started leaking again. I let your cat in and went to get changed, but I had no clean clothes left. So of course, I burst into tears.
When I calmed down a little, I realised that I hadn't just run out of clothes - I'd run out of energy.

I can't keep leaking milky tears for you and be OK with it. I can't keep feeling that maternal tug and not be pulled back into immense grief for you. I can't hear you cry, and not be able to hold you.

I just can't do it any more.

And I am so sorry.


Blossom said...

you need to look after you too you know.......
be gentle with yourself.

sending gentle hugs

PlanningQueen said...

That made me cry. Thinking of you.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Passes the tissues and hugs... I hope today was better and tomorrow better still.
The grief creeps up on you some days.Thinking of you and Zy.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you a little more peace as each day passes. x

M+B said...

I hope this overwhelming grief passes soon xoxox

Bush Babe said...

Oh sweetie... so sorry it's so hard for you. I guess it was never going to be easy, but when one's body keeps reminding us of terrible grief... well that just ain't fair.

As Blossom said, be gentle with yourself. You have been amazing for everyone else. There is nothing wrong with seeking peace from grief... we are all sending gentle hugs from Granite Glen.


Alison said...

Blossom - Thank you for all of the support you offer. You're a gem :-)

PQ - I really hope something else here makes you laugh then! Thanks for the thoughts :-)

Trish - We're getting there. Zy's cat is still here and I am still leaking. The grief sits just below the surface, but I think I'm getting used to it again.

Rhubarb - Thanks! :-)

M+B - It comes and goes, but then I guess it always will.

BB - It's a bit hard to take sometimes, but then I think I'd find it even more difficult if I didn't have so many reminders of my warrior baby. Thanks for the hugs :-)