Warrior Wednesday

Dear Zy,

I've been getting distracted by thoughts of you this week. This time last year, we had just announced your presence to the wider community. I'd been pretty sick with 24/7 vomiting and tensions and emotions had been running high - but the BBQ for Baby was the most spectacular day I could have imagined. Finally being able to share you with everyone somehow made everything that much more exciting. Your mum, your dad and I had been family for over a decade, and now we were welcoming the second generation, together, as a family.

So it didn't matter how sick I felt, or how cranky and tired and emotional we got....

We were pregnant.

You were our reality.

And that made everything seem right with the world.

This week - just one year later - I find myself once again feeling tired, and cranky, and emotional.

This week, I am grieving for the baby we announced, but no longer have to share with the world.

This week, I am grieving for the family that created you, but that is no longer together to love or remember you.

This week, I am not pregnant.

You are no longer living in my reality.

And that made everything seem a little darker in the world.

This afternoon, my thoughts had been hammering away at my happiness all day, and I no longer had the kind of perspective needed to create a joyful afternoon routine with your 3 big sisters - So I went outside and stole a sad moment.
I sat on the steps and cried and cried and cried, for everything that seemed wrong with the world.

When I was finally able to look out from my dark place, into the amazing place in the world that I call home, this is what I saw...


... And in that moment, I know I saw your smile in the sun.

Thank you, Baby Warrior, for reminding me that you will always be in my reality.
My world will always be brighter for knowing you.

Love me.

3 comments:

tiff said...

Beautiful Al and heart wrenching.
Zy is always with you.

Blossom said...

Zy is always with you hon..
I am sad that your family i sno longer together.....I know how hard that can be.

gentle hugs

M+B said...

It is so sad that this has torn apart a family. I really hope that someday in the future, bridges can be amended and all of you can grieve the baby warrior together.

I love Zy's smile in the sun :)