I've been getting distracted by thoughts of you this week. This time last year, we had just announced your presence to the wider community. I'd been pretty sick with 24/7 vomiting and tensions and emotions had been running high - but the BBQ for Baby was the most spectacular day I could have imagined. Finally being able to share you with everyone somehow made everything that much more exciting. Your mum, your dad and I had been family for over a decade, and now we were welcoming the second generation, together, as a family.
So it didn't matter how sick I felt, or how cranky and tired and emotional we got....
We were pregnant.
You were our reality.
And that made everything seem right with the world.
This week - just one year later - I find myself once again feeling tired, and cranky, and emotional.
This week, I am grieving for the baby we announced, but no longer have to share with the world.
This week, I am grieving for the family that created you, but that is no longer together to love or remember you.
This week, I am not pregnant.
You are no longer living in my reality.
And that made everything seem a little darker in the world.
This afternoon, my thoughts had been hammering away at my happiness all day, and I no longer had the kind of perspective needed to create a joyful afternoon routine with your 3 big sisters - So I went outside and stole a sad moment.
I sat on the steps and cried and cried and cried, for everything that seemed wrong with the world.
When I was finally able to look out from my dark place, into the amazing place in the world that I call home, this is what I saw...
... And in that moment, I know I saw your smile in the sun.
Thank you, Baby Warrior, for reminding me that you will always be in my reality.
My world will always be brighter for knowing you.