Choices

I never used to believe in New Years. The idea that one year was 'over' and a new year 'began' simply because the calendar tells us so seemed pretty ludicrous... And as for staying up until midnight and counting down to a single second in an attempt to welcome this supposedly 'new' year... Well... It all seemed like a load of mass consciousness crap to me.

I never thought I'd be one to get married, either. I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me I loved someone, and as for the whole ceremonial extravaganza... Yeah... What was that I was saying about mass consciousness crap?

On the same token, I never paid much attention to anniversaries, or even birthdays. Really, they are just another 24 hour block of time where society tells us we are supposed to do something that we otherwise wouldn't, and half the time don't really want to.

Now, I realise that I sound like a miserable pain in the rear - but it didn't feel that way at the time. I never felt like I was missing out on anything and I always had more fun not getting involved, than I would have had taking part in celebrations, just because I thought I should.

For me, it was a choice - and I simply chose what brought me the most joy.

Then Daddy Kewl proposed on New Years Eve, we got married, I gave birth and experienced a wedding anniversary (ok, I experienced wedding anniversary sex) and suddenly New Years, marriage, anniversaries and birthdays weren't so meaningless.

The night that Daddy Kewl proposed we were at a festival watching the midnight fireworks to 'welcome the new year'. As we sat watching the sky light up, I had a deep and rather content feeling of one chapter ending and another beginning. Not particularly because it was "New Years" though.
We'd been on the festival circuit for almost 2 years and at the beginning of this particular festival, we had decided that this was the last one we were going to do for a while. After the festival ended we were going to head back 'home' and set up a more stationary base for ourselves, together. We'd spent much of our time at this festival planning our new beginning and in lots of ways saying goodbye to what had been our life for the past 2 years.
That night, as we sat on our picnic blanket watching the display, the sky turned purple in a sudden explosion of sparks, and M said,
"I want to start my life with you every day, Al."
I lifted my head up off his shoulder and took his hand in mine.
"Me too."

There was a pause so still and so silent that I swear the entire universe was holding it's breath. Then hundreds of spectacular golden sparks burst into life above us... M said, "Let's get married".... And I nodded and I said, "Kewl."

It really was that perfect.

We got married in a stunningly beautiful valley over the Chinese New Year, continuing with our theme of new years and new beginnings. It was a new beginning for the two of us, and more amazingly, it was the beginning of our family. A moment after we exchanged rings, Daddy Kewl wrapped his arms around me, took my hands, placed them on my stomach and whispered to me, "Guess what honey? We're pregnant."
He was right.

Almost nine months later, Miss F and Miss J were born. We wanted a home birth, but considering this was my first pregnancy, my mother had an emergency c-section and there were not one, but two babies - we compromised. The girls were born just 3 days before their due date, at a beautiful midwife run facility, in a big floaty bubble bath with their dad waiting to catch them. It was nothing like I had expected and everything more that I'd hoped.
They were also born on my birthday.

Our first wedding anniversary was just a few months later... But I am not telling that story (hi mum)!

So, with New Year, marriage, birthdays and anniversaries (hi mum!) now having their own 'personalised' meaning to replace what society had previously offered - I made a new choice. These 24 hour blocks of time bought me joy, and so I chose to celebrate them.

Then Daddy Kewl died.

He was not there for Miss J and Miss F's first birthday. He was not at Miss V's birth. He is not here - will never be here - for New Years, nor for any future birthdays or wedding anniversaries, nor even to be the other half of our marriage.

But I still chose to celebrate these occasions.
Not doing so would have made me even more miserable. There were moments of intense sadness, sure, but on the whole I was starting to find joy in them again.

Then Zy died.

His birth was quickly followed by his physical death. He was here for little more than one block of 24 hours.
Do you know how short that block of time is?
Far too short.
It is certainly not enough for a lifetime. How can it be enough to celebrate a birth? Or a marriage of two live into one life together?
Just 24 hours to celebrate an entire year of anything?
No, it's not enough.

These were the thoughts that filled my head this new year, and they didn't bring me any joy at all. In fact, on the eve of 2009, every physical and non physical part of me screamed in agony and burned with all of the lack that was filling my mind. I woke up on the 1st of day of this year, and instead of seeing my three incredible children and smiling because they were here - I saw an empty space in the bed next to me and burst into tears because M is not.

Just as I was deciding to bury my face in my pillow and howl, Miss V half woke, rolled over to look at me and asked, "Are you making good choices, mum?"
Then she rolled over and went back to sleep.

Am I making good choices? Now there's a question.
In that moment, I didn't much like the answer.

I was choosing to look at moments of celebration and see heartache for the people who were missing.

I was choosing to think thoughts of absence about the people I love.

I was choosing to feel all of what wasn't there and none of what was.

I was choosing to only see lack.

I was choosing to feel like shit - that's what I was choosing.

Uh oh. Time to make some new choices!

Ok - M died, and ok - that is a fact not a choice.
But it only hurts because I love him.
So I can choose to see and feel the hurt, or I can choose to see and feel our love.
This New Year, I can hurt because he is not here, or, I can love that New Year is so magical because he made it that way.
On our wedding anniversary, I can hurt because he is not here, or, I can love that I married the most amazing man in the universe.
When our girls have a birthday, I can hurt because he is not here, or, I can love that we have three incredible children together.

Ok - Zy died, and ok - that is a fact, not a choice.
But it only hurts because I love him.
I can choose to see and feel the hurt - But I choose to see and feel our love.
I can hurt because he died, or, I can love that I ever knew him at all.
I can hurt because he was here for such a short time, or, I can love the time that he was here.

What choices, hey?
This year, this day, this moment - I know what I am choosing.

There is one more choice that I want to share...

Earlier, I chose to see one block of 24 hours as too little time.
This is still my choice.

One day of the year is not enough time to celebrate a birth, a marriage, an anniversary, a year - and certainly not a lifetime.

I choose to celebrate these things every day.
For all of my lifetime.

So, for yesterday - Happy New Year!
And for today - Happy New Day!
And for tomorrow - Happy New Day!
And for the next day - Happy New Day!

And every day after that.