For the first time since I started blogging, I am sitting in front of the computer, wanting to write this post and struggling to find the words.

Maybe it is because the moments I am recalling are not all love light and bliss ones.
Maybe it is because I have cried for almost 48 hours straight and my brain is being squashed by my swollen face.
Maybe it is because I feel like I have left it too long, and now I'm not sure where to start.
Maybe it is because this blog is a place where I can control how much I show of myself - or more to the point, what I show of myself - and writing this post is a little outside of my comfort zone.
Maybe I am still in hiding, and I am struggling because writing this post makes it real.

Or maybe I am just talking shit in an attempt to avoid saying what I need to say.

I am very good at procrastinating.

OK, how about a timeline? I can do a timeline.
Here goes...

24 weeks ago -
My two dearest friends in the universe (M&M) made a baby embryo.

24 weeks ago -
Their baby embryo was transferred to my uterus.
I became pregnant with their child.

20 weeks ago -
We announced our pregnancy to close friends and family.

18 weeks ago -
We started a Baby Blog.

12 weeks ago -
We announced our pregnancy to the wider community.

8 weeks ago -
An ultrasound showed us Baby has a penis.

2 weeks ago -
Another ultrasound showed there was too much amniotic fluid in Baby's water bed.

2 weeks ago -
Baby was diagnosed with atypical Esophageal Atresia (this means his esophagus hasn't formed properly) and he also has a cyst in his throat.
These things are stopping him from swallowing amniotic fluid effectively.

1 week ago -
Amniocentesis results came back.
Baby has a genetic disorder called Cri-du-Chat syndrome.

This syndrome will change Baby's life.
It will change a lot of things.

What it will never, ever change, is how much Baby is loved.

So there it is. The time line.
Now we are going to take some time out to adjust to this change.
For the second time in as many months, we are going away to the beach.
See you all when we return.


Anonymous said...

So, you are now out of the closet.
More hugs your way, as you already know.
Have a good break, be safe, be well, and take care.

M+B said...

Enjoy the beach darling. You know you're in my thoughts. Big hugs as always to you and the M&Ms

Melody said...

Oh wow! Who would've thunk it? (Not me!) You are one special person to do this and the baby you have inside you is also very special. My goodness....I'm at a loss for words because of everything. I am wishing you, bub and parents good, positive thoughts...

Melody said...

I've just come back from looking at your baby blog. You know I cried. My heart is with you. I know what it is like to be told bad news, oh boy do I know. I had a CVS. I know what a big needle looks like. (However mine was inserted somewhere else!)

I'm (along with others) are traveling on this journey with you. Keep safe. Keep well and most importantly, keep smiling - as much as you can.

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Trish said...

my heart goes out to you and I am sending you and the M & M's strength to meet this challenge.

You are a very special lady Al,to give the gift of a child to your friends.

My own son ( & I) have a genetic condition. The news can be devastating especially the unknown variables.

I wish you peace during this time and may your strength and the love of dear friends continue to carry you all through this difficult journey.

jeanie said...

Oh Al - lots of hugs to you, sweetheart.

katef - said...

thinking of you while you all that this journey together... sending you love and light.

M+B said...

Anonymous/Alison's Mum(???) - WOW!!! I am sure at this time Alison would have really liked your support, regardless of your views on surrogacy. I am sure you have already voiced your views, and a public shaming was rather unnecessary I feel.

If Alison was my daughter, I would be bursting with pride, that I had a daughter so thoughtful, and unselfish as to want to help her closest friends with the most precious gift she could offer them - her uterus to grow 'their' son (yes the M&Ms son, not Alison's son).

The fact that this little boy will be born with Cri-du-Chat Syndrome has nothing to do with paying for sins, or any evil doing, or for that matter messing with nature! If the baby's mother could carry the baby, the same result would have ensued.

As a mother, I believe you stand by and support your children's choices, whether or not they are choices you would make for yourself.

I think using words such as sin, evil and shame about your children must come from someone very scared, with little knowledge on a subject, and with very little respect for their children.

Alison, I am proud of you and the RIGHTNESS of what you are doing

Megan from Imaginif said...

Al, M&M, girls, friends, Alison's Mum and support people;

I am glad that the surrogacy is now open news (I was terrified I would slip up in a comment and make comment!!!!). It takes very special, trusting and giving people to engage in surrogacy and in your position it is made even more special by virtue of your friendship status - best friends between biological parents and surrogate mother and her deceased husband. After all each of you have been through following M's death, how wonderful to give each other the gift of life.

I can only imagine how shattered each of you are with Baby diagnosis, including you Al's Mum. All those hopes for a healthy and able bodied child, now dashed. But....Baby will have what many, many children I work with do not have: love and protection. He will know a support network and a community of inclusiveness. He will know he was conceived and carried in love. He will know that his parents wanted him so badly that they were willing to source alternative means to create him in the shortest possible time frame.

There will be challenges; more than mere perceptions of others. There will be heart ache. There will be relationship turmoil as everyone adjusts to this news of Baby. There was all of this when M died and there continues to be this as Al grieves. You are all already living an unusual life of difference and alternatives because of life circumstances. You can, and you will, survive the diagnosis and the turmoil of the current situation.

God is a God of love. He does not bring disease, petulance and sorrow. Man does. God does not bring child abuse or disability. Man does. Baby has a chromosomal disorder - something that came from man order (as M+B said, Baby would have had this disorder even if M carried her son), not a God order or a Devil order. Man can also bring shame, but only if you choose to take it on Al and M&M.

As for me, you all know that you have my support, my ear and my friendship. Congratulations Al for coughing this up. Congratulations for spending time in your "veil of love" at the beach and thank you for all the friendship you have loaned to me.


Megan from Imaginif said...
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Anonymous said...
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PlanningQueen said...

Alison - I also believe that God is a loving God and I hope that he brings you and M&M strength and courage.

Trish said...

Al, I believe and support what Megan and Lani say ...Baby will touch many lives and be loved beyond measure in a cradle of unconditional love.

tiff said...

Al, you are my hero.
I know you are not here and that you probably won't read this for a while but you are amazing.
No words seem adequate. None at all.
I ust want you to know tht I am with you 100%

Anonymous said...
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Pencil Writer said...

Wow! When I first learned that a woman could be surrogate mothers for those who couldn't have their own children, I thought that was something I would love to do. I loved being pregnant. I loved giving birth! (I know. Lots of people thought I'd lost my mind saying I loved giving birth.) But it is a miracle. I've given birth four times and each one had its challenges--each with some complications.

The main reason I never did what you so lovingly are doing was that I felt I'd be too emotionally atatched to any tiny human that I might not be able to give it up to its parents.

And now I'm ten years past childbearing--maybe 12. My last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was 48 and nearly devastated by loss as was my husband and 10 year old son who'd been praying for 7 years (unknown by his father and me) for a baby brother.

I pray the Lord's blessing on you, M&M and the tiny child you carry for them with love and care. I pray your mother will open her heart to understand your choices and be eternally grateful to have a daughter who is loving and kind. I pray, too, that the unborn infant will be blessed with health beyond what medical science comprehends at this time, the Lord willing.

I know that each precious soul born into this world is infinitely more important to Him than the sparrows that He is aware of, each and every one.

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Debby said...

Anonymous has no understanding of God at all. Ignore her. There is a reason that 'Thou shalt not judge' is one of the commandments, and Anonymous displays that. You are shameful, Anonymous, and God does NOT back your comments, or fill your heart. SHAME ON YOU.

Alison, my friend, I've thought of you often. I'm fighting my own battle, but I have to tell you...I believe that yours is even bigger than mine. There is no stronger bond that a mother (surrogate or no) to her child.

I love you, and you are in my prayers. I guess that if I were a good person, I'd be even praying for stinking 'anonymous'. Find peace.

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Oh Al... I have been MIA from your blog for a while, and look what happens!!! Humungous hugs to you and your little oven-bun. Pleased to see that everyone else has been virtually kicking Anonymous in the pants (although I have no idea what they said, but it seems to be quite offensive from references).

I despise when people use God as an excuse to cover their own bigotry and bias. Poor them. The view from inside a tiny mind must be dpressing. Dash had/has a congenital condition and I think it has NOTHING to do with what kind of person I am or what kind of person SSB is.

Deal as you can, my friend. And enjoy the good stuff. Hugs.

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Oh Al... sorry I have been MIA for a bit. Look what happens in my absence. Wow!!

Won't say too much, but I feel for 'whoever' Anonymous is. They have no concept of what God is about if they think the issues facing this baby are anything to do with those who wait to welcome it. My God didn't wish me ill when Dash was made with congenital heart problems, but He knew what He was doing when he gave him to us. There is a good reason you have this baby - maybe he needs all three of you once he arrives. Who knows?

Many hugs my friend. Be strong. And don't let the Anonymous's of the World get you down.