Knock knock...

Today, for the first time in a long time I was left alone, with no role to play, no hat to wear, no expectations to fulfill.

There were no children in the house - so I didn't need to be anyone's mum.
I wasn't in the company of anyone - so I wasn't expected to be funny, or freaky, or positive, or social, or interested, or.. anything.
I had no work demands - so I didn't need to be 'professional'.
But the biggest difference today, was that for the first time in months I did not burst into tears the moment I was left alone - so I didn't become the grieving wife, or the grieving mother.

I didn't have to be or feel like anyone except myself.

Er... Self?


Are you there?

It would seem that, metaphorically speaking, I got lost on my way to the door. I couldn't figure out if I was the one saying "Knock knock," or the one asking, "Who's there?", but I was at least certain the the joke was on me.

I eventually found myself down with the horses, scratching my "big sook" behind the ears as I leaned against his neck and he nuzzled his head on my shoulder. Horses always have a way of bringing me back to earth - or in this case - showing me where the door is. I am lucky that whenever I get lost, I know they will find me.

Having found myself, I've also found my curiosity, and I have a question...

Who is knocking on your door?
Who will answer?
And if they get lost, who, or what, shows them the way?


tiff(threeringcircus) said...

I don't know who I am anymore Al.
I know who I used to be but I know (espeicially after last weekend) that the old me is gone.

I'm still finding my way.

At the moment an insecure, shy shadow of my former self answers when someone knocks and I don't really like her much at all.

I'm working on it though.

I am.

peskypixies said...

Like Tiff,i am working on it too.
I see glimpses of who I used to be........just fleeting glimpses..

rhubarbwhine said...

I think, oftentimes, there are so many different 'me's' - for so many situations. Somewhere there is a core me. She still a little girl.

Fe said...

Wow I kinda know how that feels.

And when someone comes a'knockin' on my door? Well, they'd better have their brave pants on, because there's no telling who they're going to meet!


shygirl said...

I've been knocking on the door for a year or two, wondering who will answer it. who will i be, will i recognize myself? will my kids like her?

I very definitely lost myself before, but now i'm starting to see glimpses of myself all the time.

i try to remember what i used to laugh at, what made me content, what filled me with awe - i haven't felt those feelings in years. And I try to find people who remind me of who i was, and who i want to be - like you.

i look forward to meeting me, when i get here. And i think my kids will like her.

PlanningQueen said...

Super question! I haven't thought about this for sometime actually and with some changes going on in my life I need to have a think about this - thanks Alison!

Christie - Childhood 101 said...

Love this post. Love that you have your horses for comfort and grounding. As women, I think, we are continually redefining who we are depending upon the stage of life we are at and our current life circumstances. It is what makes us such complex beings.

Debby said...

I am ever evolving. I am always changing. I am up for a challenge. I will knock on my door, and I will answer myself. And if I get lost, I will turn to my friends, to my God, to myself, and between all of us, we will make sense of it, and I will again find my direction.

It is good for us to think on these things.