Honest Scrap

The gorgeous Fe from Fe.. a life was recently awarded an Honest Scrap award. With this, she blogged ten honest things about herself - all of which were heart felt and inspirational! She also passed on this award to three other people, one of them being me... Kewl! Thanks Fe!

By accepting this award I need to blog 10 things about myself, and nominate 3 other bloggers.

In the spirit of honesty, and in order to honor the gutsy post from Fe, I'm about to disclose things about myself that I am usually very careful about sharing. Why the heck I am putting them on a very public blog, I am not quite sure, but I don't believe in secrets or silence, so I guess now is the time to prove it.

Here goes then - My ten things...

1... Sexual assault was part of my life experience as a child. My parents separated when I was a baby, then when I was 10 the person who contributed the sperm in my conception forced his way into my life. He demanded weekly "access", where he sexually abused me for just over a year. The day I first disclosed to a teacher at school was the same day he skipped town.

2... Around a year ago, the same sperm donor was diagnosed with cancer.

Of his testicles.

Honk honk! Thank you, karma bus.

3... As a young person, one of the ways I dealt with the sexual assault was through bulimia. I felt out of control, so I tried to control the one thing about my body that nobody else could. I would severely restrict my food intake, then lose control and go on a binge, before the self hatred kicked in and I would purge.
It was unhealthy, it was self destructive, and at the time, it served a purpose.

4... I was a ballerina from when I was 4 until I was 15. Ballet certainly did not help my self image - spending hours upon hours in front of a mirror, comparing myself to an impossible ideal and striving for perfection that was never attainable to begin with.
In the competitive dancing world, the hours of self destruction paid off and I won a few major titles - The last of which was on a world stage, where I walked out to be presented with the award and appeared to trip over my own feet. Totally classy.
Actually, I was so disconnected from my body at that point in my life that I didn't realise I had been dancing on ankles riddled with stress fractures for months, and when I walked on stage, my feet finally gave out.

5... I am grateful for the sexual assault, the bulimia, and the ballet. Each of these life experiences served a purpose and enable me to be the person I am today. Even better than that - Each of these things are experiences that I can now choose not to pass on to my children. To me, this is the true meaning of "empowerment".

6... Running away to join the circus saved my life. If it weren't for the people in my circus family and for the help and support they provided me as a young person, I would definitely not be living the life I am today.

7... I believe in the Law of Attraction - what ever you want to call it, I believe it, and I like to think I live by it. And I don't care when I offend people by telling them that if they don't like what they are experiencing in life, they are the one's responsible for changing it. My husband is dead and my surrogate son is dead and I still believe it - so I will never apologise for it. I don't always get it right, but what ever I'm getting is my own doing.

8... When Daddy Kewl and I left the circus we rented a little beach shack to one side of a double block near the beach. The landlord lived in the house next door and he was an outrageous, eccentric, hilarious and self stated drag queen. He was something of a parental figure for Daddy Kewl and myself as we started out in the big wide world on our own. We loved him dearly and thought of him as family.
When he died, we realised he thought of us as family, too. He left us our family home - the double block by the beach.

9... With some education, some amazing opportunities and some hard work, Daddy Kewl and I set our family up so that we are now financially independent. This allows myself and the kids to live the lifestyle Daddy Kewl and I dreamt about. It means we can welcome TJ and Mr R into the family without any financial hesitations, it means we get to play host to a ridiculous number of animals, it means we can home school abundantly, it means I work on projects I am passionate about because I choose to, never because I have to - Essentially, for us it means choices, and for these I am incredibly grateful.
I decided to include this because I believe there is almost as much stigma attached to financial wealth as there is to sexual assault and eating disorders - and because I believe both are misplaced and unnecessary (and because there's no more crap left in my closet!!!).

10... I have turned comment moderation on because posting all of this stuff in such a public space terrifies me. I'm quite comfortable sharing this with my blog friends, who are like a big virtual hug and who never fail to astound me with their warmth and compassion. But there are people who read this blog who aren't friends - virtual or otherwise - and putting myself in a vulnerable position by sharing such personal information makes my heart slip into my stomach.
Actually, the person I am most worried about sharing this with is not a stranger, or some Google freak - it's my mother. It saddens me to say that my mother and I are not friends, and I am worried about what her reaction will be - But that is a whole other blog post and I think this one is about as much honesty as we can all handle for one day!

So there you have it. Honesty in the form of an open closet door.

To finish, I am passing this award on to:
Tiff, from Three Ring Circus
Lani, from Missy Boo and
Bush Babe, from Bush Babe of Granite Glen

16 comments:

MissyBoo said...

Great post, Al.

I think the only thing in your closet I didn't know about was that you were left the house, which means you are so totally honest and open about everything in your life :)

PS I hate you!!! This is the one award I really didn't want!

Super Sarah said...

Great honest post! Thanks for sharing your experiences and being so truthful.

BUSH BABE said...

Holy Moses Al... blown away by your list. And kinda terrified by what I might unearth... let me mull it over.
Thanks for thinking of me!
:-)
BB

Brenda said...

I am in awe of your strength Alison. Thank you so much for allowing us to have a peek in your brave, brave soul!

I raise my glass to you Ms. Super Kewl girl.xoxoxo

rhubarbwhine said...

I didn't know about the house, either. And now I do. Thanks for your openess, Al. x

rhubarbwhine said...

I didn't know about the house, either. And now I do. Thanks for your wonderful frankness, Al. x

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

thanks for sharing this painful and empowering post.
I learnt a lot more about you and what makes you so amazing.
I guess its good karma to you that your friend considered you his family and in doing so gave you something you put to awesome good.

Fe said...

Wow!

I knew you were an amazing woman, but now I know even more how truly incredible you are.

To have overcome so much! I take my hat off to you.

And I'm so glad that you have financial security. It warms my heart that you don't have to worry about the crappy things in life.

Thank you for being so wonderfully honest with your honest scrap.

I'm truly glad that I tagged you.

xoxoxoxoxo

jeanie said...

Wow Al - amazing. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad for where you are now.

katepickle said...

Empowering is right!
When so many people carefully carefully sensor themselves online (and I totally understand why - heck I am the queen of it) it is so forceful and wonderful to read such powerful truths being owned by an amazing woman.

PlanningQueen said...

A completely amazing post Al. What a life you have had! You are truly inspiring.

Debby said...

You are a very powerful woman, Al. I really am a bit in awe. You are a survivor, in the truest sense of the word. Your children will bypass a great deal of pain because of your courage and outlook.

Debby said...

PS: Hugs about the mom thing. Yesterday, I spoke with mine for the first time in a year. She told me that I didn't get her support because 'I was not there for her when her husband was diagnosed with cancer'. The last time that I saw my father before he died he punched me in the face and gave me a bloody nose, and told me not to come back, ever. For the very first time, I listened to her bitterness, and instead of feeling like I had to fix it, or explain, I just was filled with the knowledge that she was so angry with me that there was no point in trying to fix it. It is done now. I know it from a very deep place in my heart. I am sad, but my heart is not broken. I've learned a lot in the past year. Some of it, I have learned from you. Thank you.

Tsquared417 said...

You are brave in your honesty. I am sending you a giant virtual hug!

Gem said...

Hi Al, I am a long time reader, I have drawn so much inspiration from your blog this year. We have had a shitful year and your honesty about your life and experiences are such a tremendous help to me. Thanks for your rawness and openess. You are a very brave and courageous woman and deserve all the good things that come your way.

I have used many of your sexuality lessons on my kids to empower them in knowing what their bodies are telling them - good or bad.

I also love the Karma bus - she never fails to deliver - eventually!

Cheers

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

Beautiful Al,

I find myself here on a hard night.
I want you to know that I appreciate you and love that you are such an amazing woman and friend.

We have alot more in common than I thought.