The two most important men in my life both left their bodies at 8:30pm on a Wednesday.
Sometimes this is a down right horrible thought and it turns my Wednesdays into crap days - but mostly it is comforting, because I believe in magic moments and I believe in their significance. Our little warrior could have died at any time, but he didn't. I like to think that when Zy died, Daddy Kewl was there waiting for him. Actually, I don't just like thinking this, I like knowing this.... It's significant.
The last few days I have pushed myself into blogging some of the moments from three other kewl and significant people. "Their lives deserve celebrating." I told myself... "You can't stop forward movement. It's time to move forward."
But to be honest, I'm struggling.
I love the moments I have to celebrate with my kewl girls, and I do not - for one second - underestimate their value. What I'm struggling with is the fourth kewl and significant child who's moments aren't being celebrated in the same way. Some are, sure - but to fully appreciate many of them, there is a need for details and history and explanation that is still too raw to blog about. So, while Zy is constantly present in my thoughts and in my heart - as every child is for every parent - his moments are missing from this "forward blogging movement".
Honestly? The thought of moving forward without Zy is totally and utterly terrifying. I know he will always be in my heart, and in the hearts of the people who love him... But there is still that niggling voice that screams it's bloody head off when I post about something other than him - something 'normal' - because even though he is constantly present in my heart, and the people close to us hold him in their hearts, what about the others? What about the people who don't know his story?
The thought that Zy is being left out is like a red hot iron being driven into my soul.
It hurts. And I don't like it.
So.... Instead of dwelling on it and feeling awful and not posting anything.... I am coming up with a solution. I'm going to make Wednesday each week "Warrior Wednesday" on the Kewl blog. This way I can be OK with blogging the every day moments, because I will know that Zy's moments are not being forgotten, overlooked or left out. It is also a clear and positive way of creating a balance between "now" moments, and those that are a little more reflective... A way to bring Zy with us on this whole forward movement thing.
Does this make sense?
Lol... Oh well. It is my plan, and it feels good.
As today is Wednesday, I have a couple of moments - one that I've wanted to share for a while, that didn't make it onto the Baby Blog because it happened in the midst of a whole lot of freaking chaos! And another that is a Baby Warrior and kewl girl moment from the 'now'.
The first happened while I was pregnant, and is a testament to just how big and FAT I got carrying Baby Warrior around in his overfilled water bed....
The kewl girls and I were at the park when, just for something different, I had to pee. Leaving the girls safely with our nanny, I made a fast waddle for the loo's. Then, satisfied that my bladder was no longer about to burst, I went to return to the kewlettes.
Errr... Not so fast....
I went to open the stall door and discovered it was stuck. Well, more to the point - I was stuck...
My belly was so big I could not get the door open wide enough to make my escape, and my baby brain was not about to come up with a solution any time soon.
After about 20 minutes of sitting in a public loo stall, half laughing, half crying, Mary Poppins finally came searching and was able to manoeuvre the door open... But only after another 20 minutes of hysterical laughter on her part.
(Reading back over this moment, I realise it may be one of those, "You had to be there" things, but hey - I was there and today it makes me smile.)
The next moment is from an inspired Miss J.
This morning her and her sisters were playing dress ups when Miss J gave up her high heels and fake fur to come and see me.
Miss J: "Mummy... We're hungry."
I asked her what she felt like to eat, and she replied, "Salt and vinegar chips."
Seemingly not such a special request, except that Miss J and her sisters all hate salt and vinegar chips and are not allowed to eat them anyway because of the gluten factor.
And that salt and vinegar chips were also one of the few things I craved, non stop, whilst pregnant with Baby Warrior.
Me: "Are you sure you want salt and vinegar chips?"
Miss J: "Yes, we do."
Me: "Your sisters too?"
Miss J: "Oh mum... *insert teenage style rolling of eyes* ... Me and Zy want salt and vinegar chips."
Needless to say, we now have a cupboard full of salt and vinegar chips.