Warrior Wednesday

The two most important men in my life both left their bodies at 8:30pm on a Wednesday.
Sometimes this is a down right horrible thought and it turns my Wednesdays into crap days - but mostly it is comforting, because I believe in magic moments and I believe in their significance. Our little warrior could have died at any time, but he didn't. I like to think that when Zy died, Daddy Kewl was there waiting for him. Actually, I don't just like thinking this, I like knowing this.... It's significant.

The last few days I have pushed myself into blogging some of the moments from three other kewl and significant people. "Their lives deserve celebrating." I told myself... "You can't stop forward movement. It's time to move forward."

But to be honest, I'm struggling.

I love the moments I have to celebrate with my kewl girls, and I do not - for one second - underestimate their value. What I'm struggling with is the fourth kewl and significant child who's moments aren't being celebrated in the same way. Some are, sure - but to fully appreciate many of them, there is a need for details and history and explanation that is still too raw to blog about. So, while Zy is constantly present in my thoughts and in my heart - as every child is for every parent - his moments are missing from this "forward blogging movement".

Honestly? The thought of moving forward without Zy is totally and utterly terrifying. I know he will always be in my heart, and in the hearts of the people who love him... But there is still that niggling voice that screams it's bloody head off when I post about something other than him - something 'normal' - because even though he is constantly present in my heart, and the people close to us hold him in their hearts, what about the others? What about the people who don't know his story?
The thought that Zy is being left out is like a red hot iron being driven into my soul.
It hurts. And I don't like it.

So.... Instead of dwelling on it and feeling awful and not posting anything.... I am coming up with a solution. I'm going to make Wednesday each week "Warrior Wednesday" on the Kewl blog. This way I can be OK with blogging the every day moments, because I will know that Zy's moments are not being forgotten, overlooked or left out. It is also a clear and positive way of creating a balance between "now" moments, and those that are a little more reflective... A way to bring Zy with us on this whole forward movement thing.

Does this make sense?

Lol... Oh well. It is my plan, and it feels good.

As today is Wednesday, I have a couple of moments - one that I've wanted to share for a while, that didn't make it onto the Baby Blog because it happened in the midst of a whole lot of freaking chaos! And another that is a Baby Warrior and kewl girl moment from the 'now'.

The first happened while I was pregnant, and is a testament to just how big and FAT I got carrying Baby Warrior around in his overfilled water bed....
The kewl girls and I were at the park when, just for something different, I had to pee. Leaving the girls safely with our nanny, I made a fast waddle for the loo's. Then, satisfied that my bladder was no longer about to burst, I went to return to the kewlettes.

Errr... Not so fast....

I went to open the stall door and discovered it was stuck. Well, more to the point - I was stuck...
My belly was so big I could not get the door open wide enough to make my escape, and my baby brain was not about to come up with a solution any time soon.
After about 20 minutes of sitting in a public loo stall, half laughing, half crying, Mary Poppins finally came searching and was able to manoeuvre the door open... But only after another 20 minutes of hysterical laughter on her part.
(Reading back over this moment, I realise it may be one of those, "You had to be there" things, but hey - I was there and today it makes me smile.)

The next moment is from an inspired Miss J.

This morning her and her sisters were playing dress ups when Miss J gave up her high heels and fake fur to come and see me.

Miss J: "Mummy... We're hungry."

I asked her what she felt like to eat, and she replied, "Salt and vinegar chips."

Seemingly not such a special request, except that Miss J and her sisters all hate salt and vinegar chips and are not allowed to eat them anyway because of the gluten factor.

And that salt and vinegar chips were also one of the few things I craved, non stop, whilst pregnant with Baby Warrior.

Me: "Are you sure you want salt and vinegar chips?"

Miss J: "Yes, we do."

Me: "Your sisters too?"

Miss J: "Oh mum... *insert teenage style rolling of eyes* ... Me and Zy want salt and vinegar chips."

Of course.

Needless to say, we now have a cupboard full of salt and vinegar chips.


Trish said...

(hugs) I so understand what you mean and I struggle with it too.

I don't want people to forget my baby girl nor to think I am crazy for wanting to still talk about her.

You do move on and the pain is less raw , until something hits a nerve the one connected deep inside our heart ... it can happen daily !

I think it is a wonderful day and special way to remember Zy and share his story.

It is so hard some days, and more so in the beginning of the journey. Celebrating the living and finding joy in their achievements while we mourn all we can't have with our missing children.

;) I remember getting a little stuck a few
times in too small cubicles with my twins, didn't you too with the Kewl girls ?
I love the story of S & V chips - Miss J & Zy have good taste - my favourite too.

Megan said...

Warrior mother...I thought Wednesday's were hump day, not big fat stuck in the toilet door bump day! Regardless. I think Wednesday is a marvellous day to become Warrior day. Mxxxxx

Now, I'll just get back to the grumpy lads. It's world war III here. High school orientation has not left Boy feeling high!

Anonymous said...

Baby you made me smile, being stuck..like a turtle on her back...lol.. I had an older brother... and my mum still has moments that are his alone after 40yrs, I kinda like that... ta for sharing

Debby said...

We are defined by our joyous times, I think, but it is grief that brings everything into a sharper focus. It is grief that knocks us flat on our asses, and it is grief that makes us take a deep breath through our tears and then we make a conscious decision to get back up, wipe our eyes, and again, choose joy. You will find it, Al. Grief makes the joy shine all the brighter.

I love your family, and I pray for you all.

Mommy said...

I admire you for writing through your grief and for sharing your blog. I really enjoy reading it.

Mama Zen said...

This is just a beautiful, beautiful post. I think that your Wednesday idea is fabulous. A solution from the heart.

Alison said...

Thanks for the hugs, Trish, and your words of wisdom. I never got stuck with F and J... I was a hippy then and where we lived I could easily pee outside (true). If I happened to get caught out somewhere I would make Daddy Kewl stand guard because I was so big I couldn't even get the door to close!! lol

Megan - I like the feel of Warrior Wednesdays. Feels better than hairy felt moles stuck to me belly!

A'Jay - Thanks for sharing your mum and your older brother. I like hearing that in 40 years time I will still be having Zy moments.

Debby - Bring on the joy, honey!

Mommy - Your own blog is quite courageous. Hope you are taking care :-)

Mama Zen - Hi :-) I'm now looking forward to Wednesday. I like that change.

Anonymous said...

Wow, just... wow.

Alison said...

lol Rhubarb - Wow Wednesday... Also has a nice ring to it :-)

Mountaingirl said...

Having changed jobs and as such I am not doing my cooking on Wednesdays, I can think of no better replacement than visiting you for Warrior Wednesday. I know that probably sounds selfish but I certainly don't mean it to.

I want to know about Ty, I want to share his memories, and more stories about getting stuck in a stall will make me laugh and that means I am guaranteed a good day.

Alison said...

MG - You don't sound at all selfish. I love that Warrior Wednesday will be a day for our Baby Warrior that everyone can share and experience :-)

M+B said...

Somehow I missed this blog post! Amongst my tears, I found myself laughing with you being stuck!

I think Warrior Wednesday is a great idea.

I still have days when I struggle that my little boy, hasn't moved forward with me, and seems to have been 'forgotten' and not talked about... maybe that is why we say a 'lost' child? So I know how much that hurts.

I want to kindle Baby Warrior's flame so you blog about him all you need to!


Alison said...

Your little boy is a Warrior too, Lani.
You can join in with Warrior Wednesday if you like? I'm sure Kai's moments are magical and spectacular, too :-)
And after all, he and Zy share Warrior days, too.

tiff said...

I know what you mean. All of it. It all feels so very wrong. You want the world to stop and not go on.
You know, William died on a Wednesday and I like the sound of Warrior Wednesday, a day to remember...

Alison said...

Tiff, please, please feel free to share your Warrior moments if you'd like to.
Baby Warriors have such immense power - I think the whole world should know about them all.