Dear Zy,
I miss you. Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.
And I love you. Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.
I miss your bio mum, too. We used to have the kind of connection only the very best of friends could conduct. I never, ever thought it was something we would lose. I always thought that no matter what happened - we would come through it together.
The day we released your ashes into the river and walked with you, out to sea, was the day I realised your mum was no longer the same person I was connected to.
And I miss that person.
Maybe one day, we will find each other again.
How to give your mother a heart attack - 101
Miss V, "I just wanted to be in Mr R's pants, that's all!"
It doesn't matter that she was referring to the magnetic letter 'I' that fell out of Mr R's pants when I was changing his nappy...
I do not ever want to hear Miss V talking about anything being inside a boys pants, ever, ever, again!!!
Now, please excuse me while I continue breathing into a paper bag...
Living
Dear M,
When we first met, we were part of our circus family. It was a very large, very extended family - it's volume in numbers matched only by the volume of love generated by it's members.
I remember flirting with you across the dinner table at one of our big family get togethers, as eccentric aunts and overprotective uncles raised their watchful eyes at us. The sense of love and security I felt then was something I carried with me as we began our life - and our family - together.
We always talked about having a large family, and how it wouldn't be determined by genes. We talked about being a drop in place for our extended family of circus freaks and when we were deciding where we would build our home, you found land far enough away to be in the bush, and at the same time, close enough to a main town and highway to be easily accessible.
We talked about fostering, and we talked about being a safe place for the local kids to be after school and on weekends.
When you died, it felt like a lot of our dreams died with you. My dreams of family life, the way we'd imagined it, they died when I became a single parent. Not that there is anything wrong with single parent families - it's just not what we had planned.
Recently, Mr R and TJ have joined our family. Even more recently, the arrangement changed from something short term, to something medium, or even long term.
Tonight, 8 people sat at our dinner table, laughing and joking and teasing and talking. I know you would have loved it, and I would have loved to share it with you (more than you being there in spirit, anyway).
Then someone on an online forum said, "You are living my dream, Al."
And I had the spectacular, joyful, freeing kind of moment that blew the grief haze away and filled my body with energy and light.
It doesn't matter that I can't see you, or touch you, or hear you tell me you love me.
It doesn't matter that I can't share this life with you in the way that I want to.
Because I am living our dream.
The more I miss you - and the more you miss us - the more I will just have to live it for both of us.
I love you, M.
When we first met, we were part of our circus family. It was a very large, very extended family - it's volume in numbers matched only by the volume of love generated by it's members.
I remember flirting with you across the dinner table at one of our big family get togethers, as eccentric aunts and overprotective uncles raised their watchful eyes at us. The sense of love and security I felt then was something I carried with me as we began our life - and our family - together.
We always talked about having a large family, and how it wouldn't be determined by genes. We talked about being a drop in place for our extended family of circus freaks and when we were deciding where we would build our home, you found land far enough away to be in the bush, and at the same time, close enough to a main town and highway to be easily accessible.
We talked about fostering, and we talked about being a safe place for the local kids to be after school and on weekends.
When you died, it felt like a lot of our dreams died with you. My dreams of family life, the way we'd imagined it, they died when I became a single parent. Not that there is anything wrong with single parent families - it's just not what we had planned.
Recently, Mr R and TJ have joined our family. Even more recently, the arrangement changed from something short term, to something medium, or even long term.
Tonight, 8 people sat at our dinner table, laughing and joking and teasing and talking. I know you would have loved it, and I would have loved to share it with you (more than you being there in spirit, anyway).
Then someone on an online forum said, "You are living my dream, Al."
And I had the spectacular, joyful, freeing kind of moment that blew the grief haze away and filled my body with energy and light.
It doesn't matter that I can't see you, or touch you, or hear you tell me you love me.
It doesn't matter that I can't share this life with you in the way that I want to.
Because I am living our dream.
The more I miss you - and the more you miss us - the more I will just have to live it for both of us.
I love you, M.
Five is way better than four
"I can't wait until I am five, because Five is way better than four, you know!"
Spoken by Miss J, on a daily basis.
The above quote is something that in the past, I have had trouble embracing. I am all for having things to look forward to, but I am also big on "living in the moment". I am one of those hippie freaks who doesn't believe in saying "I'll be happy when..."
Because if you're not happy now, you will always be searching for a new when.
A few weeks ago, the opportunity for Mr R to come and stay with us presented itself, and true to the moment, we embraced it. The addition of Mr R took the number of Kewl kids in our home from 3 to 4.
Today we embraced another opportunity and another addition. My 2nd cousin - 7yo Mr T - arrived from interstate and he will be staying with us for a while.
This takes the Kewl kid total up to 5.
As I looked around our dinner table tonight, I found myself agreeing totally with Miss J -
Five is way better than four.
Spoken by Miss J, on a daily basis.
The above quote is something that in the past, I have had trouble embracing. I am all for having things to look forward to, but I am also big on "living in the moment". I am one of those hippie freaks who doesn't believe in saying "I'll be happy when..."
Because if you're not happy now, you will always be searching for a new when.
A few weeks ago, the opportunity for Mr R to come and stay with us presented itself, and true to the moment, we embraced it. The addition of Mr R took the number of Kewl kids in our home from 3 to 4.
Today we embraced another opportunity and another addition. My 2nd cousin - 7yo Mr T - arrived from interstate and he will be staying with us for a while.
This takes the Kewl kid total up to 5.
As I looked around our dinner table tonight, I found myself agreeing totally with Miss J -
Five is way better than four.
The Zoo - Kewl Style!
The Kewl girls, Sammi, Mary Poppins and I went to the zoo yesterday! I am still not quite sure why we paid to go to a zoo, when we pretty much live in one, but as the youngest member of the Kewl family will tell you - "Sammi turned old!" - so we thought we'd better indulge her a bit.
When we arrived, the first thing Miss F spotted was the merchandise shop that you exit through. She squealed with excitement and asked, "Mummy! Can we go shopping?! Please?!"
I explained about the shop being the exit from the zoo, and that shopping would take place at the end of the day, once we'd seen all the animals. So naturally, the rest of her day went something like this...
"After we've seen the elephants, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the crocodiles, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the koalas, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the tigers, then are we going shopping?"
And the killer, "We can see all of these animals in the shop you know - they have photos and toys and puzzles and everything."
Miss J was not at all interested in the shops. She was instead, obsessed with taking photos - which would have been a great way to learn about the animals - had it have been the animals she was interested in taking photos of. But oh no, my little home learner spent the entire day taking photos of signs.
Her favourite being this one...
I was pretty impressed by one of the few images that were not signage...
Me, "Kewl turtle pic, Miss J! I love the pattern the water makes."
Miss J, "It's not a turtle, mum."
Me, "Are you sure? It really looks like one..."
Miss J, "No. It's the pool filter."
Me, "Oh. So it is."
Miss V, at least, did not appear to be obsessed by anything in particular as we wandered around looking at the animals. Although, after asking her what her favourite part of the day was, I'm not so sure...
"The strawberries!"
"And the fruit salad!"
Fabulous.
The Kewl girls did show some interest in a couple of animals...
Miss F, "Look mum! There's you!"
Miss V, "Sammi, what are those kangaroos doing?"
Me, "Sammi, do NOT answer that."
Hmm.. Now that I think about it, maybe it was best not to focus too much on the animals!
So, our trip to the zoo turned out to be less about the animals and more about the adventure, but honestly, that's exactly how we like it.
When we arrived, the first thing Miss F spotted was the merchandise shop that you exit through. She squealed with excitement and asked, "Mummy! Can we go shopping?! Please?!"
I explained about the shop being the exit from the zoo, and that shopping would take place at the end of the day, once we'd seen all the animals. So naturally, the rest of her day went something like this...
"After we've seen the elephants, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the crocodiles, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the koalas, then are we going shopping?"
"After we've seen the tigers, then are we going shopping?"
And the killer, "We can see all of these animals in the shop you know - they have photos and toys and puzzles and everything."
Miss J was not at all interested in the shops. She was instead, obsessed with taking photos - which would have been a great way to learn about the animals - had it have been the animals she was interested in taking photos of. But oh no, my little home learner spent the entire day taking photos of signs.
Her favourite being this one...
I was pretty impressed by one of the few images that were not signage...
Me, "Kewl turtle pic, Miss J! I love the pattern the water makes."
Miss J, "It's not a turtle, mum."
Me, "Are you sure? It really looks like one..."
Miss J, "No. It's the pool filter."
Me, "Oh. So it is."
Miss V, at least, did not appear to be obsessed by anything in particular as we wandered around looking at the animals. Although, after asking her what her favourite part of the day was, I'm not so sure...
"The strawberries!"
"And the fruit salad!"
Fabulous.
The Kewl girls did show some interest in a couple of animals...
Miss F, "Look mum! There's you!"
Miss V, "Sammi, what are those kangaroos doing?"
Me, "Sammi, do NOT answer that."
Hmm.. Now that I think about it, maybe it was best not to focus too much on the animals!
So, our trip to the zoo turned out to be less about the animals and more about the adventure, but honestly, that's exactly how we like it.
B is for....
Lots of things, actually, but only three of them relating to this post -
Bronchitis
Boy
Busy
To put that into full sentences -
I have bronchitis, which Miss V affectionately renamed, 'bonk-itis'.
We have a temporary new addition to our family in the form of 2 year old Mr R. He is staying with us while his parents are away.
Between trying not to cough up my lungs, pretending to keep up with the Kewl girls and suddenly remembering what it's like to be responsible for a 2 year old (still in nappies and into EVERYTHING)... Well - we have been busy!!!
That's pretty much it, really. Just a quick post to say we're still alive!
Bronchitis
Boy
Busy
To put that into full sentences -
I have bronchitis, which Miss V affectionately renamed, 'bonk-itis'.
We have a temporary new addition to our family in the form of 2 year old Mr R. He is staying with us while his parents are away.
Between trying not to cough up my lungs, pretending to keep up with the Kewl girls and suddenly remembering what it's like to be responsible for a 2 year old (still in nappies and into EVERYTHING)... Well - we have been busy!!!
That's pretty much it, really. Just a quick post to say we're still alive!
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