It's been a while since I posted a Warrior Wednesday on the Kewl blog. After realising that I was focusing too much on the past, and what was missing, I changed my perspective in order to embrace the present. I have still been writing to Zy, every Wednesday, but in a diary especially for him, where comments and "publicity" are not factors in holding my attention to death and grief and all of the stuff I am trying to move away from.
This week I am struggling big time to keep my head above water. My vision is blurred and the perspective I have worked hard to gain is spinning circles around my head - like a merry-go-round on fast forward, complete with ups and down, dizzying lights and "drive you insane" music.
This time last year, Baby Warrior had just been diagnosed with atypical Esophageal Atresia and shortly after that, with Cri-du-Chat syndrome. I was facing regular amniocentesis to treat polyhydramnios (the build up of amniotic fluid), with the possibility of premature labor each time.
His biological mother was wanting a medical termination.
I was wanting my husband to hold my hand and tell me everything would be OK.
This time last year, I was terrified. And it wasn't about to get any easier.
Today, the terror is almost as fresh as the first time around. There is a growing sense of fear and dread in the pit of my stomach, desperately being squashed down in the hope that positivity and a lighter perspective will make everything OK.
Today, I don't want to hold it down any more. I know that eventually, I will need to let it out if I truly want to pick myself up and continue on again, and right now, in this moment, I am tired of fighting it.
Zy died. That sucks, and I want to be miserable about it for a while.
So, the Kewl Kids and I are going away for a while. We are going to a place that is close to our hearts, and allows us to feel closer to Zy. It's also a place that is filled with much joy and adventure for the kids, so I will be more able to let the rivers wash my misery away before it affects them too much.
Take care out there, my friends in the bloggosphere. See you all on the other side.