Warrior Wednesday

It's been a while since I posted a Warrior Wednesday on the Kewl blog. After realising that I was focusing too much on the past, and what was missing, I changed my perspective in order to embrace the present. I have still been writing to Zy, every Wednesday, but in a diary especially for him, where comments and "publicity" are not factors in holding my attention to death and grief and all of the stuff I am trying to move away from.

This week I am struggling big time to keep my head above water. My vision is blurred and the perspective I have worked hard to gain is spinning circles around my head - like a merry-go-round on fast forward, complete with ups and down, dizzying lights and "drive you insane" music.

This time last year, Baby Warrior had just been diagnosed with atypical Esophageal Atresia and shortly after that, with Cri-du-Chat syndrome. I was facing regular amniocentesis to treat polyhydramnios (the build up of amniotic fluid), with the possibility of premature labor each time.
His biological mother was wanting a medical termination.
I was wanting my husband to hold my hand and tell me everything would be OK.

This time last year, I was terrified. And it wasn't about to get any easier.

Today, the terror is almost as fresh as the first time around. There is a growing sense of fear and dread in the pit of my stomach, desperately being squashed down in the hope that positivity and a lighter perspective will make everything OK.

Today, I don't want to hold it down any more. I know that eventually, I will need to let it out if I truly want to pick myself up and continue on again, and right now, in this moment, I am tired of fighting it.

Zy died. That sucks, and I want to be miserable about it for a while.

So, the Kewl Kids and I are going away for a while. We are going to a place that is close to our hearts, and allows us to feel closer to Zy. It's also a place that is filled with much joy and adventure for the kids, so I will be more able to let the rivers wash my misery away before it affects them too much.

Take care out there, my friends in the bloggosphere. See you all on the other side.


jeanie said...

Lots of hugs for you and your crew to take with you and replenish from as required.

Safe driving.

Brenda said...

Happy trip Kewl Warrior.xoxo

Anonymous said...

take care dear one.. and know we will be there with you in spirit as you face these difficult days ahead.

much love

Fe said...

It does suck. And sometimes the best thing that you can do is take some time to feel all that pain.


Anonymous said...

Be well, Al, and be safe. Hope to see you soon. xx

Melody said...

Thinking of you. Take it easy.

I know how much you would have wanted to hold your husband's hand during your awful time last year. God, I know.

Anonymous said...

shygirl here. thinking of you. take care.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

Thinking of you Al and the Kewl girls. Hoping that your time away brings you peace and strength.

For me, it was always the ocean. It helped when nothing else could. I hope you have found your ocean.

Christie - Childhood 101 said...

Wishing you peace and quiet within your soul. Rest and enjoy being with each other.

MissyBoo said...

Hugs to you all. You and Zy are in my thoughts at this time xoxox

Sunny Road said...

((Hugs)) Al. Thinking of you and hoping the break gives you some perspective and acceptance. xx