Musical Madness

Miss J decided to write a song about me today. Last time she wrote a song it was about her two "might as well be" brothers - Mr R and TJ. It was stunningly beautiful and made every adult who heard it cry. So when she said she was writing a song about me, to be honest, I had high hopes.

Her brow wrinkled with concentration and she surveyed me with her bright blue eyes. Her head tilted to the left a little and her index finger found her chin in a gesture of thoughtfulness.

"Ummm...."

Yes my darling child? What wondrous words of insight and beauty do you wish to lay upon me?

"Can I stand on the kitchen table? I need a different perspective."

Oh. Sure.

She climbed up onto her podium the table and fixed her gaze not on me, but instead on the top of the fridge.
Her eyes lit up and a big grin spread across her face as inspiration came to her and words of adoration (ahem) sprang into her mind.

Having attracted the attention of her siblings, Mary Poppins and Aunty Sammi, Miss J's audience gathered and anticipation filled the air.

I was a little taken aback when she announced it would be to the tune of, "On Top of Old Smoky", but you know what, tune isn't really important - it's the thought that really counts...

With a twinkle in her eye, she began...

On top of the freeeeeeeeeeeezer..... Where no one can seeeeeeeeeeeee,
My mum keeps her choooooooooocolaaaaaate...... An addict is sheeeeeeeeee.

Chocolate's her liiiiiiiiiiife liiiiiiiine..... All day and all niiiiiiiiiiiight,
And if her stash ruuuuuuns oooooouuuuuut..... Be prepared for a friiiiiight!

'Cause my mum's quite scaaaaaaaaaary..... As scary can beeeeeeeeee,
When she has no chooooooooocolaaaaaaaaate..... And bad PMT-eeeeeeeee.

So take this fair waaaaaaaarniiiiiiiiing..... From someone who knooooooooows,
Step away from the choooooooocolaaaate..... Before mum explooooooodes!

And if you get caaaaaaught oooooouuuut..... Stealing from her staaaash,
I'd get out of tooooooooooooo-oooooooown...... And never come baaaaaaaack!

Sleep ins

4:30am

Miss F, "Mu-um.... If you don't get up now I'm going to stick a knife in the toaster while I try and make breakfast.. Unsupervised."

Me, "We don't have a toaster..."

Miss F, "Then I'll by one off ebay with your credit card while I go on the computer unsupervised."

Me, *Fake snoring*

Miss J, "Fine then. We'll take the lesbians breakfast in bed. And we won't knock."

Me, "I'm up!!!!!!!"

When I'm 16...

A conversation I overheard between Miss V, Miss F and a few other kids at the park...

Girl in green: "When I'm 16 my mummy says I can get my ears pierced!"

Girl in yellow: "When I'm 16, I'm allowed to go on a plane by myself!"

Boy in blue: "When I'm 16 I can drive a car!"

Miss V: "When I'm 16, I can join Mensa!"

Which is nothing compared to...

Miss F: "When I'm 16 I'm allowed to have sex."

Brought to you by the letters T and J

TJ has been with us for almost 5 months now. I adore him, his sense of humour and his good nature, he is the best big brother I could ever have wished for my girls and I am grateful for every moment he is part of our family.

TJ's parents live interstate, and although they have a hard time communicating when it comes to feelings and "stuff", they love him very much.

By TJ's own description his parents are, "as straight as I am weird".

TJ has started writing letters to his parents, because phone conversations don't seem to be a great way for them to communicate.

Yesterday he asked to stop by the post office to send them his letter. He was more excited about sending this letter than any of the letters before. He had a big grin on his face and was almost jumping up and down on the spot while he waited for a stamp. He put his letter into the post box and clapped his hands together a few times, by way of send off.

I assumed that being the end of his first week at school, TJ was just excited about sharing this with his parents.

I assumed wrong.

Last night, after the other kids had gone to bed, TJ came and sat beside me.

"Al, there's something I need to tell you."

Uh - oh.

TJ, "In the letter I sent my parents today... I told them I was gay."

Me, "OK."

TJ, "But I'm not gay."

Me, "Right. That's an interesting thing to tell your parents if you don't think it's true. Why do you think you did that?"

TJ, "Just to see what their reaction would be. It will be big, won't it?"

Me, "I don't know, TJ. It will be a lot for them to process. Do you want them to do all that work processing something about you that might not be true?"

TJ, "Yes. No. I don't know. I want them to think I'm weird like you so I can stay here forever."

Me, "Do you think being gay is weird?"

TJ, "NO! But they do. And if they think I'm too weird they won't want me back."

Me, "I see. TJ, why do you think your parents agreed to let you come and stay here originally?"

TJ, "Because I ran away."

Me, "OK, and why did you run away?"

TJ, "Because I wanted to come stay with you."

Me, "OK. So your parents let you come and stay here, because you wanted to."

TJ, "I guess."

Me, "And when we went down before Christmas and you said you wanted to camp with us and not stay in the house, what did they say?"

TJ, "They said OK."

Me, "Right. So your parents are pretty good at listening to what you want, really, aren't they?"

TJ, "I guess."

Me, "So maybe talking to them about what you want would have been a better way of communicating than telling them something that you thought would get a reaction."

TJ, "Yeah. Probably. [Pause] But telling them I am gay is heaps funner!"

Me, "Is it fun when people lie to you?"

TJ, "No, not really. I shouldn't have lied, should I?"

Me, "It's more important what you choose to do about it now."

TJ, "I could send another letter?"

Me, "Sure. You can send it express post if you like."

TJ, "Yeah! I'll send another letter express post... And I'll say I might be gay, instead!"

Me, *Stifled laughter* "That sounds like a great idea."

Miss Thoughtful

Miss V, "Mum? Did you know that the Chinese believe coffee is poisonous to human bodies? Because I just tipped the coffee down the sink. To help you."

Booty Call

8:30pm

Mobile phone rings

Unknown number

Me, ".... Hello..?"

Telemarketer, ".................................................. Hello. Mrs [Insert badly pronounced surname here]?"

Me, "Maybe.... What are you selling....?"

Telemarketer, "Congratulation! (No, that's not a typo, he said congratulation without the s) You have been randomly selected to receive a free anniversary gift from company X [I asked said company to join us for this blog post, sadly, they declined).

Me, "Oooohhh a freebie! My husband will be thrilled when he forgets to buy me something!"

Telemarketer, "You can have an anniversary night to remember with our free sample of [some drug thing that enhances sexual function in men]."

Me, "No way!!! Really?!?!"

Telemarketer, "Yes. Let me tell you a bit about our product. It is all natur...."

Me, "Mate - If you can give my husband a hard on for the night, I will give you a million dollars!"

Telemarketer, "Er... What is his dysfunction?"

Me, "Death."

[Silence]

Me, "What...... Is that a problem?"

Telemarketer, "Umm.. Sorry to bother you..."

[Dial tone]

Honestly... Telemarketers these days have no stamina.

Thanks Henry

In this family, we're big believers in the power of thought - all that think positive, create your own reality, law of attraction, hippy stuff that makes lots of people roll their eyes and others nod in agreement. Thinking thoughts that are uplifting and empowering is something I try to teach the Kewl Kids, and I always try to pass on beliefs to them that will serve them well and help them to achieve their dreams (as we all do as parents, in our own way).

The Kewl girls are already pretty good at the whole law of attraction thing. A few weeks ago I was reminded of the quote: "Whether you think you can or you think you can't - Either way you are right." from Henry Ford. When I passed this on to the girls we talked about it for a while and they recognised it very quickly as something they could use to their advantage.

"Mummy, I think I can have chocolate cake for dinner - So I am right, hey mum?!"

Yeah. Right.
In my adulterated ignorance I rolled my eyes and told them - nice try - but the saying was not meant to be taken that literally.

Not more than 20 minutes later, Mary Poppins walked in the door with a big chocolate cake for us to share after dinner.

Today Miss J and Miss F took their mind powers to the next level.

We had to go to the big shopping centre and just because I like a challenge, I took the kids with me. My kids are pretty good when it comes to resisting the brightly coloured, cheery sounding, kewl light flashing, perfect kid height, button happy machines filled with al kinds of consumer crap - but even the best kids are not immune.

About 10 meters from the exit, I was almost home free when Miss F spotted something she just HAD to waste her money on try. A big obnoxious machine full of electronic gadgets, from mini watches right up to digital cameras and iphones. Miss F had spied an mp4 player and decided if she raided savings (all $2 worth) she would finally be able to afford the music playing, video displaying gadget she didn't know she wanted until she saw it 30 seconds ago! She had also spied the flashy words that claimed: "EVERYBODY WINS!" and "PRIZE GUARANTEED!"

I tried explain that these machines did not often give away the expensive prizes - that even though "a" prize was guaranteed, this could mean one of the cheap ones and not the one she wanted - but Miss F was not having it.

"Mummy! It's MY money and I think I can have that player!"

So I stopped resisting and got her to close her eyes and picture the player dropping off the hook and falling into the basket at the bottom of the machine, then to see herself reaching in and taking it out, holding it in her hands in front of her.

She opened her eyes, put her coin in the slot and pushed the button.

Then she watched with expecting eyes as her mp4 player dropped off the hook and fell into the basket at the bottom of the machine. She reached in, took it out, held it in her hands in front of her and giggled.

While I was picking my jaw up off the ground, Miss J took $2 from her bag and pointed at the second, and last, mp4 player.

"Mummy, I think I can have one, too."

So we did the same thing - Miss J pictured the player dropping from the hook and falling into the basket, then reaching in, taking it out and holding it in her hands in front of her.

I don't know what the chances are of getting two of the exact same, high value prizes from a novelty machine like that...


But I don't think it matters.

I wonder what Henry Ford would think if he knew he was helping to enable the shopping habit of two 5 year olds...?